can't seem to hold you like i want to..

i need to either rob a bank or marry rich. i can't support this habit anymore.
maybe it's because of my personality, but as far as I could drive.. i'd take the car out in the middle of the night and drive aimlessly. Unfortunately this very habit that brings me joy also burns big holes in my wallet. I remember mum used to tell me that i'd refuse to fall asleep when I was a kid.. so dad would drive us all around vancouver until i fell asleep. every single night. what a spoiled child i was!


happy anniversary to you A. I hope you both have a good time. its been a year already, but if you asked if it still hurts..i can tell you i still cry as much as the first day. not a day goes by without me thinking about you; about what you are doing.. what you are up to.

september fifteenth came and went. i felt so uneasy that day, absentmindedness filled me. i kept pondering what it'd be like if we were still together. What would we do and how would we celebrate. sadly, for me this is all wishful thinking. I dont ever expect you to forgive me nor want to get back together. I know I'm just creating said fantasies. one year, exactly one year A. I still remember the night you broke up with me. I keep asking myself over and over again, why didnt I hold onto you harder. Why did I just let you go? It still hurts every single day. You run through my mind constantly. There are situations something funny arises and I'd say to myself.."I can't wait to go home and tell A about this!" but i'll remember that A does not belong to me now. And then there are times where my world is turned upside down, the times where it hurts to breathe and everyone has their back towards me. .. I sit there and hug toto as hard as I can, because maybe magically it'll make me feel better.

Then there are days where I'd have the most magical thing happen, I'd have you in my arms again..we''ll be hand in hand doing things we love the most.

i wake up, and its one of the most hurtful feelings in the world. I'd wake up crying because you desperately want to go back to sleep badly because the dream is better than reality. you'd just want to sleep your life away.

What I have accomplished throughout this year? I cannot think of anything notable, it feels like i've just been dumped on the side. Everyone is moving forward in life except for me. I am stuck.


If i tell anyone this, people would roll their eyes and ask me why haven't I got over you yet. I really wish I can stop feeling this way. you are the only guy i loved the most out of everyone. no one comes close. when we broke up.. i watch myself unraveled. like a lioness freed out of its cage, I went on a rampage.. did not have a care in the world and wouldnt give second thought to the consequences. I stayed out late, sometimes not coming home for days. I hooked up with random strangers, doing things that I would never think of myself doing. There are times where sexual urges are the only connection to the person I'm speaking to. And I let myself go through with it. I didn't give a shit about anything. I tried sleeping with people, hoping the phrase 'best way to get over someone is to get under someone' would hold some truth to it. The only thing that it made me feel was loneliness. I have never felt so alone in my life. I feel like a cheap slut, the ones you and I used to shun and look away in disgust. The ones that you would never think of being your girlfriend.

Time pass by only to realize that..sex is only fulfilling when you engage in it with someone you love. otherwise, its just a carnal physical need. I've held a relationship only to add heartache on top of my already over-spilling one. I dated a man that was eleven years my senior. He had everything that a girl can ask for, but not once did I feel loved the way you loved me. I even told him that I can never love him the same way I loved A. He was perfectly fine with that.. I don't know where I went wrong. I don't know why I've become the failure. two relationships in a year. failed.


I've gone as far as waking up or staying up til the wee hours and watch you drive to work. Just so I can catch a glimpse of someone that isn't mine. I've stood there, watching you work, but always afraid you'll catch me. I just can't let you go. Even if i only get to see you for abit, my day would be so much better. Sometimes I just want to call you and talk, but I know its not possible. I would love for us to be friends but I doubt you'd want that. I just want you in my life so desperately.


remember when I told you, that you were my best friend? I don't know what went wrong with our relationship. for a small moment I got so uncomfortable sharing my thoughts with you, but later I realized that feeling was a premonition, I felt that while you were physically still with me, your heart was fleeting. I only had the shell of you, A.


I've gone to great lengths just to see you, hoping we'd run into each other. sometimes, the hurt gets so bad that i'd go to SFU and perhaps see if i can run into you. wishfully thinking things will be the way it was. i don't know how long I can take this, nor do I know if things will get better between the both of us. all I know is that i love you and I always will, .. I don't mind seeing you and her together, no matter how much it still hurts. All I want out of this is for my best friend to come back.

baby, we're slow dancing in a burning room.

in order to get rid of fantasies, you have to believe in realities.

+ So what's wrong with the Blueberry Pie?
There's nothing wrong with the Blueberry Pie, just people make other choices. You can't blame the Blueberry Pie, it's just... no one wants it.


It's not a silly little moment, It's not the storm before the calm.
Nobody's gonna come and save you, we pulled too many false alarms.