the danger of heartbreak

the danger of a broken heart is not the pain.
not the tears, or anger.
not the ache, not the loneliness,
not the quiet, the empty seat, the bed now much too big.

the danger of a broken heart is what we have to repair it with.
mistrust, hopelessness, faux comfort.
independence.
the oaths we take. what we swear to ourselves.
the danger is self-reliance.

the danger is that these stitches in our heart don't fall out.
that they are there to stay.
because they must.

the danger is that we know it isn't about love anymore.
and,
it isn't about how perfect we are in our world.
it's about how perfect we are in theirs.

the danger is that two became one.
and a half of one...
well.

half is not whole.

but now we must make it so.

breaking into my heart

Do you remember what I was when we first met? I'd built walls around my heart, gated them, and thrown away the key. I had been hurt, I told you from the beginning. I'd been used, tricked, played with, but most of all, hurt. I thought it best to never fall in love again. So I locked my heart.

You figured it out quite soon. I said don't fall in love with me. I cannot fall in love with you. I won't. I'm too hurt, too damaged, too afraid to go through all of this once more. I'd decided love was just a scam. So we became friends, and that was okay with me, and with you. And it was all nice and comforting and I let myself trust you.

You would listen to me for hours, as we talked about everything and nothing. You learned why I wasn't willing to let anyone love me, and though you said you would never do that kind of a thing to me, I wasn't ready to trust you to test it out. I kept my walls intact even when I started remembering where I'd thrown the key. It was the only way to keep myself from falling in love.

But then something happened. I woke up three weeks ago and realised that I love you. And you said you love me, and you cannot promise we will be forever but you can promise not to hurt me. I believed you. I still didn't realize how I'd come to love you, how you came to find the key to my heart.

Now I know. You didn't find the key. You broke into my heart, and I let you. Just don't break my heart.

dont hold back, because all you end up holding is regret.

i still love you, a year and three months later.

your friend helped me get out of the snow one day.
when i got stuck, all I could do was panic and wished that I could just dial you for help..falsely pretending we'll be right where we once were.

i don't ever want to end up like the blueberry pie.

i started cleaning the bottom of my stairwell, you know.. the one place where i dump anything and everything.


i found lots of items that brings me back to my memories. though some better than others, its bittersweet. i found old notes from highschool from/to friends. a particular one was a note dating back to the moment you told me you had feelings for me. i was going out of my mind, deciding if i should take a chance because at the moment, you were my best friend. I wouldn't know if it would work or not, all i knew was that.. i wasnt ready to lose my best friend. i remember i cried in class because the pressure got to me. i know, silly thing to cry over. but at the time it felt like an enormous problem. i was totally caught off guard when you said 'i like you'. i laughed when i read this:

do you still like her?
what!? i told you, im over her!
--- 5 minutes later ---
E? I like you.


if only.



i had an immense urge to write you a letter, falsely hoping everything would be okay between us and we can be good friends again. i don't know if it will happen but i think about it all the time. the moment i dropped it in the mailbox, i thought 'oh shit'. I don't know what Im afraid of, but I'm so terrified of you judging me for some reason. I dont think I have ever gotten over that feeling, the one where I feel like an incompetant loser compared to people you know. Im afraid you will show it to her and have a good laugh over this. i am afraid we will never speak to each other again.

can't seem to hold you like i want to..

i need to either rob a bank or marry rich. i can't support this habit anymore.
maybe it's because of my personality, but as far as I could drive.. i'd take the car out in the middle of the night and drive aimlessly. Unfortunately this very habit that brings me joy also burns big holes in my wallet. I remember mum used to tell me that i'd refuse to fall asleep when I was a kid.. so dad would drive us all around vancouver until i fell asleep. every single night. what a spoiled child i was!


happy anniversary to you A. I hope you both have a good time. its been a year already, but if you asked if it still hurts..i can tell you i still cry as much as the first day. not a day goes by without me thinking about you; about what you are doing.. what you are up to.

september fifteenth came and went. i felt so uneasy that day, absentmindedness filled me. i kept pondering what it'd be like if we were still together. What would we do and how would we celebrate. sadly, for me this is all wishful thinking. I dont ever expect you to forgive me nor want to get back together. I know I'm just creating said fantasies. one year, exactly one year A. I still remember the night you broke up with me. I keep asking myself over and over again, why didnt I hold onto you harder. Why did I just let you go? It still hurts every single day. You run through my mind constantly. There are situations something funny arises and I'd say to myself.."I can't wait to go home and tell A about this!" but i'll remember that A does not belong to me now. And then there are times where my world is turned upside down, the times where it hurts to breathe and everyone has their back towards me. .. I sit there and hug toto as hard as I can, because maybe magically it'll make me feel better.

Then there are days where I'd have the most magical thing happen, I'd have you in my arms again..we''ll be hand in hand doing things we love the most.

i wake up, and its one of the most hurtful feelings in the world. I'd wake up crying because you desperately want to go back to sleep badly because the dream is better than reality. you'd just want to sleep your life away.

What I have accomplished throughout this year? I cannot think of anything notable, it feels like i've just been dumped on the side. Everyone is moving forward in life except for me. I am stuck.


If i tell anyone this, people would roll their eyes and ask me why haven't I got over you yet. I really wish I can stop feeling this way. you are the only guy i loved the most out of everyone. no one comes close. when we broke up.. i watch myself unraveled. like a lioness freed out of its cage, I went on a rampage.. did not have a care in the world and wouldnt give second thought to the consequences. I stayed out late, sometimes not coming home for days. I hooked up with random strangers, doing things that I would never think of myself doing. There are times where sexual urges are the only connection to the person I'm speaking to. And I let myself go through with it. I didn't give a shit about anything. I tried sleeping with people, hoping the phrase 'best way to get over someone is to get under someone' would hold some truth to it. The only thing that it made me feel was loneliness. I have never felt so alone in my life. I feel like a cheap slut, the ones you and I used to shun and look away in disgust. The ones that you would never think of being your girlfriend.

Time pass by only to realize that..sex is only fulfilling when you engage in it with someone you love. otherwise, its just a carnal physical need. I've held a relationship only to add heartache on top of my already over-spilling one. I dated a man that was eleven years my senior. He had everything that a girl can ask for, but not once did I feel loved the way you loved me. I even told him that I can never love him the same way I loved A. He was perfectly fine with that.. I don't know where I went wrong. I don't know why I've become the failure. two relationships in a year. failed.


I've gone as far as waking up or staying up til the wee hours and watch you drive to work. Just so I can catch a glimpse of someone that isn't mine. I've stood there, watching you work, but always afraid you'll catch me. I just can't let you go. Even if i only get to see you for abit, my day would be so much better. Sometimes I just want to call you and talk, but I know its not possible. I would love for us to be friends but I doubt you'd want that. I just want you in my life so desperately.


remember when I told you, that you were my best friend? I don't know what went wrong with our relationship. for a small moment I got so uncomfortable sharing my thoughts with you, but later I realized that feeling was a premonition, I felt that while you were physically still with me, your heart was fleeting. I only had the shell of you, A.


I've gone to great lengths just to see you, hoping we'd run into each other. sometimes, the hurt gets so bad that i'd go to SFU and perhaps see if i can run into you. wishfully thinking things will be the way it was. i don't know how long I can take this, nor do I know if things will get better between the both of us. all I know is that i love you and I always will, .. I don't mind seeing you and her together, no matter how much it still hurts. All I want out of this is for my best friend to come back.

let's jump on the vessel and fly through the memories.

best thing about photographs is that they don't change; even if the people in them do.


sitting beside the Boy, stuck in traffic.

He's talking [rambling] about work, usually I'd be into it. Interested and grabbing his every last word because He's living my ideal career.
but this day, I nod, smile and occasionally acknowledge with 'really hun? thats good!'.

Selective listening. it's what I do best.

elsewhere, the mind wanders. i see the happy couple walking hand-in-hand. window-shopping, store after store they'll stop and she'll point out excitedly into the displays. the girl takes in all the pretty shoes and purses and clothes; adding the coveted lares and penates to the ever-growing mental 'things-to-buy' list. He stares at her with adoration; fixated like her gaze into the displays.


the mind resurfaces a photograph. its one of my favorite pictures because I look so content and joyful. it's the one where I can tell you every detail in it because I know that moment so dearly. homemade lanterns dot the background like floating orbs; the shades of fiery orange sunset behind the subjects. the girl with her boyfriend and her bestfriend, two most important people in her life standing on either side. his arm protectively embrace her shoulder, their skin tanned and dark from the summer sun. he might've not been the best-looking, the tallest, the one with the fat wallet or nice car. in fact, it was none of that. however, the first thing you notice is their bright smiles. it's almost as if you can feel the warmth of her smile because its contagious, the tangible happiness.


at that moment, it was the perfect point in her life. the boyfriend that loves her wholeheartedly, the innocent thought of 'forever'. her bestfriend of years at her side. where the thoughts of growing old with the boyfriend and bestfriend was not just wishful thinking, it might be a possibility. summer was in full-swing and graduation was just weeks behind them. life was as awesome as it could be.


when did i start losing? all that joy now seems to be elusive. doubtful thoughts, ones that hover your mind; 'will I ever be as happy as I was in that snapshot of my life?" they float up in the most random moments. while driving, perhaps studying, or even drifting off to slumber.


I want all that back. the lanterns, the simple life. the honesty, the pure naivety.

i don't know if it'll ever be enough.
the Boy is surpasses you by far, but why do sleepless nights float the mind back to you? i've become everything that only months ago, i've only read in fiction. miles away and you still have the ability to make me feel inadequate.



this whole charade of jokingly stating 'i'm a shopaholic' isn't quite funny anymore.
in fact, shopaholic would be an understatement. it's an illness, disorder even. nothing, not even the love of a significant other, gives me the high that purchasing does.

dont go chasing waterfalls

dear ex-lover,

i am glad to say that i can now decide to visit west fourth on a spur-of-a-moment decision without your constant insecure critique, exclaiming how 'the people are just all wannabe green snobby yuppies'. i can now also just drop $50 on organic groceries, just because i feel like it.


i have finally realized, i was just bored of you. you just did the dirty work. thanks hun! do you remember all those times that i said i had to go cuz the manager walked in? sorry sweetheart, i lied. i was just bored of your geeky incoherant ramblings. do you remember the countless times i didn't pick up because i 'fell asleep watching tv'? oh darling, the infomercial had wayy more interesting sentences than you could ever conjure up. i figure i want a guy who's a man. not someone where i have to babysit. 3 years of being your nanny is just that...too long! you're nothing but a kid with your dick to match. Am i ever glad that i will never have to order for your chickenshit ass, or always being the one to ask the waiter for more water. I can come and go as I please, no more having to put up with your momma's boy act and take you home for your curfew instead of spending the night at my place. NO MORE nagging about my driving habits, NO MORE 'don't drive so fast! don't honk that person! don't finger that guy!' NO MORE chauffeuring your SORRY 22yr old ass around because you 'dont want to fall into the social stereotype where the male drives the female around'.


ps. the sex was pathetic.


sincerely never-yours.
portia mcadams.

tattoo my recollections.

im starting to forget how you and everything else about you feels like.

that made me sob for an hour.

i dont want to forget.
i cant forget.

..


save my memories.
i miss the hip bone.


the best thing about vancouver..
is you.

do you still care?
whatever happened to "we'll hang out for sure in winter break, im just really busy now b/c of school'

i knew it. we can never be friends because you simply do not put the effort in it.
you dont care at all..friends or not.

so why cant you just tell me straight up instead of leading me on, giving me false hope that i can still have a close friend to count on.

all i want is at the end of the day, have you hold me and give me a giant hug. and tell me everything will me okay because you're here with me.