wish you were here.

We all get at least one good wish a year. Over the candles on our birthday. Some of us throw in more. On eyelashes, fountains, lucky stars, and every now and then, one of those wishes comes true.


So what then? Is it is as good as we'd hoped? Do we bask in the warm glow of our happiness? Or, do we just notice we've got a long list of other wishes waiting to be wished?


We don't wish for the easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious, out of reach. We wish because we need help and we're scared and we know we may be asking too much. We still wish, though, because sometimes they come true.

i don't ever want to end up like the blueberry pie.

i started cleaning the bottom of my stairwell, you know.. the one place where i dump anything and everything.


i found lots of items that brings me back to my memories. though some better than others, its bittersweet. i found old notes from highschool from/to friends. a particular one was a note dating back to the moment you told me you had feelings for me. i was going out of my mind, deciding if i should take a chance because at the moment, you were my best friend. I wouldn't know if it would work or not, all i knew was that.. i wasnt ready to lose my best friend. i remember i cried in class because the pressure got to me. i know, silly thing to cry over. but at the time it felt like an enormous problem. i was totally caught off guard when you said 'i like you'. i laughed when i read this:

do you still like her?
what!? i told you, im over her!
--- 5 minutes later ---
E? I like you.


if only.



i had an immense urge to write you a letter, falsely hoping everything would be okay between us and we can be good friends again. i don't know if it will happen but i think about it all the time. the moment i dropped it in the mailbox, i thought 'oh shit'. I don't know what Im afraid of, but I'm so terrified of you judging me for some reason. I dont think I have ever gotten over that feeling, the one where I feel like an incompetant loser compared to people you know. Im afraid you will show it to her and have a good laugh over this. i am afraid we will never speak to each other again.

let's jump on the vessel and fly through the memories.

best thing about photographs is that they don't change; even if the people in them do.


sitting beside the Boy, stuck in traffic.

He's talking [rambling] about work, usually I'd be into it. Interested and grabbing his every last word because He's living my ideal career.
but this day, I nod, smile and occasionally acknowledge with 'really hun? thats good!'.

Selective listening. it's what I do best.

elsewhere, the mind wanders. i see the happy couple walking hand-in-hand. window-shopping, store after store they'll stop and she'll point out excitedly into the displays. the girl takes in all the pretty shoes and purses and clothes; adding the coveted lares and penates to the ever-growing mental 'things-to-buy' list. He stares at her with adoration; fixated like her gaze into the displays.


the mind resurfaces a photograph. its one of my favorite pictures because I look so content and joyful. it's the one where I can tell you every detail in it because I know that moment so dearly. homemade lanterns dot the background like floating orbs; the shades of fiery orange sunset behind the subjects. the girl with her boyfriend and her bestfriend, two most important people in her life standing on either side. his arm protectively embrace her shoulder, their skin tanned and dark from the summer sun. he might've not been the best-looking, the tallest, the one with the fat wallet or nice car. in fact, it was none of that. however, the first thing you notice is their bright smiles. it's almost as if you can feel the warmth of her smile because its contagious, the tangible happiness.


at that moment, it was the perfect point in her life. the boyfriend that loves her wholeheartedly, the innocent thought of 'forever'. her bestfriend of years at her side. where the thoughts of growing old with the boyfriend and bestfriend was not just wishful thinking, it might be a possibility. summer was in full-swing and graduation was just weeks behind them. life was as awesome as it could be.


when did i start losing? all that joy now seems to be elusive. doubtful thoughts, ones that hover your mind; 'will I ever be as happy as I was in that snapshot of my life?" they float up in the most random moments. while driving, perhaps studying, or even drifting off to slumber.


I want all that back. the lanterns, the simple life. the honesty, the pure naivety.