I feel like I'm waiting for something that's not going to happen..

verbal diarrhea at 3AM due to insomnia.

while it seems we as a species have gotten past so much, we have never really escaped the specter of beauty.


it's the foundation of every fairy tale: either it begins with a beautiful woman, or she's ugly and turns out to have been secretly beautiful, or she's ugly and through magic or a good heart or what have you she becomes beautiful. even people on tv or in movies who are supposed to be ugly have good looks bristling beneath their makeup.


we are genetically inclined toward the beautiful. this can hardly be disputed..there are, naturally, exceptions to the rule, but by and large it's true. while its said most couples are of equal attractiveness, its telling that even the most 'unattractive' (in whatever ways) person will long for someone who exhibits a high degree of physical beauty. its why a happily married man will still get a thrill from jessica alba or angelina jolie. they are beautiful in their eyes.


being an plain, average girl, I am often bewildered and a bit out of sorts when someone tells me they find me attractive. i look at myself, my collection of body parts and quirks, measure against even the lowest standard of beauty I can encounter, and quickly find myself lacking. its very difficult to believe in one's own beauty when there are people out there who are so much more stunning. it's not just about looks either. a beautiful, smart woman has a leg up on me, because we may both be smart but she's beautiful. someone may like my shape but I can't imagine how they could like a zaftig as much as they could like sylphlike, and I dont believe for a moment that I truly compare or can compete. women, so often, are seen as the sum of their parts (internally and externally) and not as a whole. I daresay men are considered the same way but I can't be sure because I don't really think of people that way..


I saw a commercial once for a car, and the voiceover said something like "you never look at someone and say 'gee, they sure look loyal' or 'that person sure looks smart and considerate'" and I think that is where the social vs genetic clash happens. no, we dont have to choose someone based on their looks. we dont have to fall prey to the lure of whats on the outside, but in all honesty how in the world else are we supposed to ever find whats inside? and worse, lets say by way of the internet or something we meet someone's true self before we see his/her physical self. what if there is no attraction? what if the physicality mitigates everything that came before?


I think that we will always find ourselves warring with the concepts of physical and inner beauty. there's no wrong in only pursuing someone you find externally attractive, even at the cost of losing someone who is less so but has a richer inner self. why? there is always that component within us that can be tempted. many overcome it but many dont, and in the end I think it behooves those of us who are less attractive to either be like water and seek our own level, or find whatever is within ourselves that makes validation from an outside party important, and excise it tout de suite.

im trying to quit my addiction..

Secret confession: I am kicking a habit of drugs. Hold your gasps, I’m not talking about the narcotics kind, I’m talking about the boy kind. Let me explain to you the “drug” kind – also known as the “bad boy”. Often attractive, charismatic, popular and fun; guys want to be his friend, girls want to date him. Like a peacock, he knows how to best display his heavily ornamented train, puff out his chest and shake his tail feathers as he tries to attract a female peacock to mate with. And likewise, to attract the “drug” or “peacock” there are certain ceremonies the female has to partake in as well. Dress a certain way, flirt a certain way, look a certain way…

The “Drug” kind of guy feels good when you have its attention, its eye… and when you don’t; you are left craving and yearning for your next fix. You know in your gut that it’s bad for you, but the desire to have that moment of pleasure, that rush, is so overpowering that you make decisions that are against your rationale anyway. And as your friends are all shaking their head at the cycle of abuse you’ve signed up for, you can’t help but shake off that dangerous allure of the bad boy – their “I don’t care” attitude, their alpha male confidence, their unavailability…

Throughout the years, my same “drug” experience with this type of man has repeated itself in my life. To them, I’m just another high – when you provide them pleasure, they like you, and when you don’t, they don’t care for you. In my experiences this type of man gave me a strange feeling of validation, of being “special” – because out of everyone who showers him with attention in the crowd, he “picked me”. However, the primary reason why he liked me in the first place was due to the “Siren” extension of self I exuded –a Portia that is glammed up, ultra confident, and flirtatious. And while I am busy maintaining my “ceremonies” for attracting, so is he – with his ego and alpha male extension of self - both of our alter egos doing the flirting dance.

Then there is another kind, the “Vitamin” kind. This person has self love, and therefore is able to give and receive love. He isn’t looking to you to fulfill him or provide another exciting rush or chase. He sees you for the beauty beyond your shell – your essence (which is a constant) and is patient and understanding throughout your various extensions of self (which is always changing). When you’re around him, there is a sharing of an honest, sincere and positive energy. It’s healthy for you and whether your experience with this person lasts for just a moment or a few years, your heart and soul are left just a little more joyful because of them.

Seems like common sense doesn’t it? But to this very day, my attraction to the “drug” still exists, and probably always will. It’s not easy changing patterns – the justifying, the lowering of standards, the cycles of abuse/mistreatment that we suddenly tolerate as a norm. But, while the draw may always be there to some degree, my decision to delve into it once again and allowing the high to inhabit my headspace is a conscious choice. Now I’m asking myself different questions before making my decisions. Instead of, “Will this feel good/exciting right now?” I use the following question as my guide: “Where do you want to go, and will the decision you’re about to make take you one step closer in that direction, or veer you off your path”?

It was fun while it lasted - the drugs, vitamins, Tylenols – heck, the whole gamut – but I’m quite ready to retire from the unhealthy choices and the excitement/ drama that comes along with it. I’m able to recognize the reality right away versus before, when I’d visualize a fantasy of what could be and believe I could actually tame a wild horse. There are consequences of grasping on to the temporary highs – not just the pain, but eventually, a chipping of self esteem, self worth and standards. You also get into such a pattern of the exciting bad boys that you may overlook and miss opportunity to the real gems out there…the Vitamin Kind.