scrambled

im pacing back and forth in my mind, searching for words to describe how i feel at the moment.
i literally at a lost for words.

my relationship has finally taken a good turn, we havent bickered in days.. weeks even. i think we've finally learned how to cope with each other and still be in 'love'. as of today i've been dating him for 20 months and 15 days. 9/10th of the time, ive seen him every single day. i think its special how no matter how busy, lazy, or tired we are..we'd still take time out to hangout with each other. for awhile, i thought it was a bad idea to hangout everyday for long periods of time. but ever since spring semester ended for him, and summer school began..our time together has been cut back from 4 -5 hours a day to maybe half to an hour. i figured this helped us out abit. you see, by seeing each other for a limited timeframe..we cannot afford to waste the day over fights. we both learned to cherish our precious time spent together. whether it'd be a walk around the neighbourhood or just being lazy lying down in bed and catch up on our daily life. it is special, and i have it.

i feel like i owe him so much, too much. i have not always been fair to him. but time and time again he has put up with my forever-changing moods, my selfishness, my attention-whoring, and basically being a spoiled bratty girl. i have not lived up to my role as a 'girlfriend'.

i think i fall too easily.
i often confuse, mistake, overanalyze other's actions or words..twisting them into something terribly different. i wonder if currently im falling into one of my self-dug holes again.

here i have a wonderful boyfriend, really..if it wasnt for me, i dont think his flaws would ever show through him nor would he let it. what a girl wants, to be exact.

but ive fallen for something else entirely different. someone who makes me feel giddy, like how we were when we're friends. i know i will never fit into the mold, but the tiniest actions from it makes me ponder and analyze everything letter. or, maybe in fact i am just falling for a broken net..useless, dangerous, and hurtful. im asking for this, but i cant control how i feel. im knocking on pain's door.

i am so bored in this thing called 'life'.

there is no motivation left for me, no catalyst to at least thrust me into being what a 19 y/o should be. i dont belong anywhere i suppose. not a drone in the working world, nor a student.

i feel i should be kicked off this planet, im just wasting resources.

im drowning in melancholy thoughts that plague me, the only thing that helps is falling into a deep slumber..even so it catches up and finds me in my sleep.

hoping for the dwindling past. slipping through my fingers

this has been said so many times that im not sure if it even matters.

if the feeling isnt there anymore, why bother holding on?
its true, i think we're just together out of habit, but where do you even begin catagorizing 'love'?

we lead such different lives, but for a moment our parallel lines crossed..only a moment though. and that moment was gone long ago.

i know this hurts. it was meant to.

i want to be optimistic, but i havent felt genuinely happy in ages.