scrambled

im pacing back and forth in my mind, searching for words to describe how i feel at the moment.
i literally at a lost for words.

my relationship has finally taken a good turn, we havent bickered in days.. weeks even. i think we've finally learned how to cope with each other and still be in 'love'. as of today i've been dating him for 20 months and 15 days. 9/10th of the time, ive seen him every single day. i think its special how no matter how busy, lazy, or tired we are..we'd still take time out to hangout with each other. for awhile, i thought it was a bad idea to hangout everyday for long periods of time. but ever since spring semester ended for him, and summer school began..our time together has been cut back from 4 -5 hours a day to maybe half to an hour. i figured this helped us out abit. you see, by seeing each other for a limited timeframe..we cannot afford to waste the day over fights. we both learned to cherish our precious time spent together. whether it'd be a walk around the neighbourhood or just being lazy lying down in bed and catch up on our daily life. it is special, and i have it.

i feel like i owe him so much, too much. i have not always been fair to him. but time and time again he has put up with my forever-changing moods, my selfishness, my attention-whoring, and basically being a spoiled bratty girl. i have not lived up to my role as a 'girlfriend'.

i think i fall too easily.
i often confuse, mistake, overanalyze other's actions or words..twisting them into something terribly different. i wonder if currently im falling into one of my self-dug holes again.

here i have a wonderful boyfriend, really..if it wasnt for me, i dont think his flaws would ever show through him nor would he let it. what a girl wants, to be exact.

but ive fallen for something else entirely different. someone who makes me feel giddy, like how we were when we're friends. i know i will never fit into the mold, but the tiniest actions from it makes me ponder and analyze everything letter. or, maybe in fact i am just falling for a broken net..useless, dangerous, and hurtful. im asking for this, but i cant control how i feel. im knocking on pain's door.