the only thing that i wanted you to do, that i told you was very important to me.
you couldnt even do it. your heart is fully with her.
remember when you bought souveniers on our trip? how strongheaded you were when you wanted to give her the present IMMEDIATELY? what happened this time? wheres the nurseyduck? its so hard to accept, but you will never think of me with such attention anymore.
i will always be last-rate.
im scared out of my mind for tomorrow.
i really hope it wont hurt. part of me wanted to tell you everything, but i didnt want you to pity me. nor did i want you to question me and think im lying. thats the last thing i need. i really wish you can hold my hand at the hospital and tell me everythings going to be okay. all i wanted was you to hold my waist and pat my tummy, "hello BB". because, maybe for a nano-second, it feels real. i understand where you're standing from. i understand that its an odd thing to do. i understand that you cant do that because you;re with her. if you werent..would you do it?
im so sorry bb. its a hard thing for me to do too, i really dont want to go through with it. but i simply cant support you. i cant have you at this point in my life. i hope your next life will be better. im so sorry, im so sorry. im so sorry i dont want you. i really wish i could hold you and name you. i remember we had it all planned out. a girl would be alexis, a boy would be ephram or joshua. im soo sorry. i dont want to kill anything. i dont want to be a murderer. this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
please hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay.
please just let me wake up from this nightmare. why does it have to be like this.
i know i wouldnt have kept it anyway, even if we were together. but at least you would be there for me. to comfort me, to soothe me and tell me everything will be alright.
can you take my breath away?
can you give him life today?
is everything gonna be okay?
why cant i just cut you out! it pains me to see you. it hurts when im not the one you're looking forward to seeing. i drove you to see her. my friends are appalled. so many times, they ask.. 'why are you being so nice to him when he hurted you?' and you're not that good of a friend either. you throw around tidbits that sting me. nonchalantly. you dont share alot with me, but when i say 'just a friend or meeting a friend' you demand to know what im doing or who it is. i like how you set double standards. do you think you deserve to know when you hide shit from me?
thats it. after i give everything ive ever owed you, everything that was meant for you... this friendship. this accquaintance. this last-rated friend of yours. this rag-doll. this pity-bank. this charity case is going on hiatus. dont look, i will only disappear further.
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