dont hold back, because all you end up holding is regret.

i still love you, a year and three months later.

your friend helped me get out of the snow one day.
when i got stuck, all I could do was panic and wished that I could just dial you for help..falsely pretending we'll be right where we once were.

favorite mistakes; take two.

i've cut down the habit immensely; dealing with credit debt isn't very fun i suppose.

perhaps its my own way of dealing with things, but at the end of every relationship..i'd murder my credit, sending the credit bills into the shitter. even if i was the one that was doing the dumping..i'd still wreck havoc with impulsive buys.

lord, help me.

perfect tretorn boots to match the perfect mike&chris leather jacket. .. these are the most gorgeous rainboots i've yet to encounter!

i don't ever want to end up like the blueberry pie.

i started cleaning the bottom of my stairwell, you know.. the one place where i dump anything and everything.


i found lots of items that brings me back to my memories. though some better than others, its bittersweet. i found old notes from highschool from/to friends. a particular one was a note dating back to the moment you told me you had feelings for me. i was going out of my mind, deciding if i should take a chance because at the moment, you were my best friend. I wouldn't know if it would work or not, all i knew was that.. i wasnt ready to lose my best friend. i remember i cried in class because the pressure got to me. i know, silly thing to cry over. but at the time it felt like an enormous problem. i was totally caught off guard when you said 'i like you'. i laughed when i read this:

do you still like her?
what!? i told you, im over her!
--- 5 minutes later ---
E? I like you.


if only.



i had an immense urge to write you a letter, falsely hoping everything would be okay between us and we can be good friends again. i don't know if it will happen but i think about it all the time. the moment i dropped it in the mailbox, i thought 'oh shit'. I don't know what Im afraid of, but I'm so terrified of you judging me for some reason. I dont think I have ever gotten over that feeling, the one where I feel like an incompetant loser compared to people you know. Im afraid you will show it to her and have a good laugh over this. i am afraid we will never speak to each other again.

can't seem to hold you like i want to..

i need to either rob a bank or marry rich. i can't support this habit anymore.
maybe it's because of my personality, but as far as I could drive.. i'd take the car out in the middle of the night and drive aimlessly. Unfortunately this very habit that brings me joy also burns big holes in my wallet. I remember mum used to tell me that i'd refuse to fall asleep when I was a kid.. so dad would drive us all around vancouver until i fell asleep. every single night. what a spoiled child i was!


happy anniversary to you A. I hope you both have a good time. its been a year already, but if you asked if it still hurts..i can tell you i still cry as much as the first day. not a day goes by without me thinking about you; about what you are doing.. what you are up to.

september fifteenth came and went. i felt so uneasy that day, absentmindedness filled me. i kept pondering what it'd be like if we were still together. What would we do and how would we celebrate. sadly, for me this is all wishful thinking. I dont ever expect you to forgive me nor want to get back together. I know I'm just creating said fantasies. one year, exactly one year A. I still remember the night you broke up with me. I keep asking myself over and over again, why didnt I hold onto you harder. Why did I just let you go? It still hurts every single day. You run through my mind constantly. There are situations something funny arises and I'd say to myself.."I can't wait to go home and tell A about this!" but i'll remember that A does not belong to me now. And then there are times where my world is turned upside down, the times where it hurts to breathe and everyone has their back towards me. .. I sit there and hug toto as hard as I can, because maybe magically it'll make me feel better.

Then there are days where I'd have the most magical thing happen, I'd have you in my arms again..we''ll be hand in hand doing things we love the most.

i wake up, and its one of the most hurtful feelings in the world. I'd wake up crying because you desperately want to go back to sleep badly because the dream is better than reality. you'd just want to sleep your life away.

What I have accomplished throughout this year? I cannot think of anything notable, it feels like i've just been dumped on the side. Everyone is moving forward in life except for me. I am stuck.


If i tell anyone this, people would roll their eyes and ask me why haven't I got over you yet. I really wish I can stop feeling this way. you are the only guy i loved the most out of everyone. no one comes close. when we broke up.. i watch myself unraveled. like a lioness freed out of its cage, I went on a rampage.. did not have a care in the world and wouldnt give second thought to the consequences. I stayed out late, sometimes not coming home for days. I hooked up with random strangers, doing things that I would never think of myself doing. There are times where sexual urges are the only connection to the person I'm speaking to. And I let myself go through with it. I didn't give a shit about anything. I tried sleeping with people, hoping the phrase 'best way to get over someone is to get under someone' would hold some truth to it. The only thing that it made me feel was loneliness. I have never felt so alone in my life. I feel like a cheap slut, the ones you and I used to shun and look away in disgust. The ones that you would never think of being your girlfriend.

Time pass by only to realize that..sex is only fulfilling when you engage in it with someone you love. otherwise, its just a carnal physical need. I've held a relationship only to add heartache on top of my already over-spilling one. I dated a man that was eleven years my senior. He had everything that a girl can ask for, but not once did I feel loved the way you loved me. I even told him that I can never love him the same way I loved A. He was perfectly fine with that.. I don't know where I went wrong. I don't know why I've become the failure. two relationships in a year. failed.


I've gone as far as waking up or staying up til the wee hours and watch you drive to work. Just so I can catch a glimpse of someone that isn't mine. I've stood there, watching you work, but always afraid you'll catch me. I just can't let you go. Even if i only get to see you for abit, my day would be so much better. Sometimes I just want to call you and talk, but I know its not possible. I would love for us to be friends but I doubt you'd want that. I just want you in my life so desperately.


remember when I told you, that you were my best friend? I don't know what went wrong with our relationship. for a small moment I got so uncomfortable sharing my thoughts with you, but later I realized that feeling was a premonition, I felt that while you were physically still with me, your heart was fleeting. I only had the shell of you, A.


I've gone to great lengths just to see you, hoping we'd run into each other. sometimes, the hurt gets so bad that i'd go to SFU and perhaps see if i can run into you. wishfully thinking things will be the way it was. i don't know how long I can take this, nor do I know if things will get better between the both of us. all I know is that i love you and I always will, .. I don't mind seeing you and her together, no matter how much it still hurts. All I want out of this is for my best friend to come back.

baby, we're slow dancing in a burning room.

in order to get rid of fantasies, you have to believe in realities.

+ So what's wrong with the Blueberry Pie?
There's nothing wrong with the Blueberry Pie, just people make other choices. You can't blame the Blueberry Pie, it's just... no one wants it.


It's not a silly little moment, It's not the storm before the calm.
Nobody's gonna come and save you, we pulled too many false alarms.

let's jump on the vessel and fly through the memories.

best thing about photographs is that they don't change; even if the people in them do.


sitting beside the Boy, stuck in traffic.

He's talking [rambling] about work, usually I'd be into it. Interested and grabbing his every last word because He's living my ideal career.
but this day, I nod, smile and occasionally acknowledge with 'really hun? thats good!'.

Selective listening. it's what I do best.

elsewhere, the mind wanders. i see the happy couple walking hand-in-hand. window-shopping, store after store they'll stop and she'll point out excitedly into the displays. the girl takes in all the pretty shoes and purses and clothes; adding the coveted lares and penates to the ever-growing mental 'things-to-buy' list. He stares at her with adoration; fixated like her gaze into the displays.


the mind resurfaces a photograph. its one of my favorite pictures because I look so content and joyful. it's the one where I can tell you every detail in it because I know that moment so dearly. homemade lanterns dot the background like floating orbs; the shades of fiery orange sunset behind the subjects. the girl with her boyfriend and her bestfriend, two most important people in her life standing on either side. his arm protectively embrace her shoulder, their skin tanned and dark from the summer sun. he might've not been the best-looking, the tallest, the one with the fat wallet or nice car. in fact, it was none of that. however, the first thing you notice is their bright smiles. it's almost as if you can feel the warmth of her smile because its contagious, the tangible happiness.


at that moment, it was the perfect point in her life. the boyfriend that loves her wholeheartedly, the innocent thought of 'forever'. her bestfriend of years at her side. where the thoughts of growing old with the boyfriend and bestfriend was not just wishful thinking, it might be a possibility. summer was in full-swing and graduation was just weeks behind them. life was as awesome as it could be.


when did i start losing? all that joy now seems to be elusive. doubtful thoughts, ones that hover your mind; 'will I ever be as happy as I was in that snapshot of my life?" they float up in the most random moments. while driving, perhaps studying, or even drifting off to slumber.


I want all that back. the lanterns, the simple life. the honesty, the pure naivety.

secondhand serenade; fatalist dawning

some peoples self-esteem is based completely on whether they can make anonymous internet postings or not.


i just poured my heart and soul, the whole verbal diarrhea, typed until my index finger cramped, only to realize i'm too chickenshit to bare it all.instead;

pasted on a different aperture elsewhere on the interweb via an alias.


INSTEAD!!
eve will update with her latest shopaholic finds, current loves and favorite mistakes.

+ the lamb burger at splitz grill with hummous, to. die. for.
+ stella's taphouse on commercial, with a pint of stella artois to enjoy.

+ lime japanese cuisine, again on commercial.

[it pays to have the Boy situated on the drive]

+ i've spent two sundays test-driving cars at automalls. if an entry-level dream car is the accord coupe, my ultimate dream car is the R8.

+ if anyone ever told you grey's anatomy sucks, please pipe them in the gonads! i've caught up to the current season in five days. never have i turned down an offer to hang out just to watch tv! ohh denny duquette, if only all boys can be as charming as you are!

+ johnny cupcakes and i have a mutual friend! another trip to Boston perhaps?

+ i've gone from lusting over the CL550 to

being the co-pilot in a black one.


+ scored a vintage YSL dove grey leather jacket whilst vintage-hunting
+ kanyeezy never fails to put me in awe.



+ i am seriously considering a move to Seattle. the boutiques, craft/art fairs, culture, little chic diners are all a lure.
+ joshua introduced me to pinot gris. i aspire to be a quarter-wine connoisseur one day.
+ my talk-my-way-out-of-a [parking ticket, tow truck, fine] skill has clearly deteriorated. the excessive speeding has finally caught up to me. it would've been $900-something ticket. 104k in a 50k zone, i kinda deserve it.

+ the faja moved to shanghai for business half a year ago. i found a new pair of shoes in my trunk from him. normally, i wouldn't have a problem with it, especially when its from the BOD [bank-of-dad] problem?
A. im kicking myself for not discovering it earlier because i bought the SAME PAIR HALF A YEAR BACK. that's a paycheque i could've spent elsewhere!
B. reality slap of excessive, insane amount of clothing i own.
C. also self-realization that i really need to clean out the car. .. which leads to..

+ my car has become an extension of my wardrobe. at any given time, there are three pairs of shoes [flats, sneaks, AND heels]. two change of clothes [dressy and gym]. and as of last night.. six purses. the only passengers in the front and back seats are my shopping bags which i'm too afraid to bring home in case the maja catches them. OH! theres also a bottle of patron and fruit leather/rice chips too!



+ i have basically lived off the drive and main st for the past month. there are so many hidden gems within each neighbourhood. the vintage boutiques, local designers, indie restaurants, organic supermarkets are all a giant breather from the usual mass-produced generic McLifestyle.

+ burgoo is opening up a new location on main. emmenthal cheese fondue with apple and grapes!
+ check out elroy apparel. local designer with gorgeous sustainable pieces like the calluna bamboo jacket.
+ i finally gave in to the exotic skin trend and picked up a pair of genuine python flats. reptiles are one thing, but fur is a whole different story.
+ i'm having cramps for the first time in six years. it feels like death!! wahwahwah

fetal position with an electric blanket never felt so good.


+ i bought a hamster after learning they're nocturnal. cool! LIKE ME! pookie likes to shit in its food bowl and eat TP. punkass.
+ don't date someone who has 80-hour work weeks, and an immense love for his job = no time for you! boohoo.
+

pookie really shoves entire baby carrots into his mouth.

i don't know if it'll ever be enough.
the Boy is surpasses you by far, but why do sleepless nights float the mind back to you? i've become everything that only months ago, i've only read in fiction. miles away and you still have the ability to make me feel inadequate.



this whole charade of jokingly stating 'i'm a shopaholic' isn't quite funny anymore.
in fact, shopaholic would be an understatement. it's an illness, disorder even. nothing, not even the love of a significant other, gives me the high that purchasing does.

dont go chasing waterfalls

dear ex-lover,

i am glad to say that i can now decide to visit west fourth on a spur-of-a-moment decision without your constant insecure critique, exclaiming how 'the people are just all wannabe green snobby yuppies'. i can now also just drop $50 on organic groceries, just because i feel like it.


i have finally realized, i was just bored of you. you just did the dirty work. thanks hun! do you remember all those times that i said i had to go cuz the manager walked in? sorry sweetheart, i lied. i was just bored of your geeky incoherant ramblings. do you remember the countless times i didn't pick up because i 'fell asleep watching tv'? oh darling, the infomercial had wayy more interesting sentences than you could ever conjure up. i figure i want a guy who's a man. not someone where i have to babysit. 3 years of being your nanny is just that...too long! you're nothing but a kid with your dick to match. Am i ever glad that i will never have to order for your chickenshit ass, or always being the one to ask the waiter for more water. I can come and go as I please, no more having to put up with your momma's boy act and take you home for your curfew instead of spending the night at my place. NO MORE nagging about my driving habits, NO MORE 'don't drive so fast! don't honk that person! don't finger that guy!' NO MORE chauffeuring your SORRY 22yr old ass around because you 'dont want to fall into the social stereotype where the male drives the female around'.


ps. the sex was pathetic.


sincerely never-yours.
portia mcadams.

the good left undone

The days turn to weeks and seasons pass in the blink of an eye. With all the time that passed I think myself got left behind.
I don't want to look at my reflection and not recognize the person staring back at me. But I'm getting scared because with each day gone it feels like there's nothing left of what I used to be.
I couldn't tell you exactly when I just gave up. When I let the apathy get the best of me and I stopped giving a fuck. And now I feel so useless, can't dig myself out of this rut.
Complacency occupies the space that my passions used to take up. I don't want to look at my reflection and not recognize the person staring back at me.
But I'm getting scared because with each day gone it feels like there's nothing left of what I used to be. No, I won't let this get the best of me.
No, I can't let this get the best of me. No, I'm not dead yet. No, I can't turn away when I've still got so much left to say.

new post.

new new new new new!

i suppose .. 21 doesnt really mean much.
my spirits are abit higher recently. ive had the courage to meet new people again, but theres always a nagging thought in the back of my head. get out!


BOSTON! was amazing. i would kill to live in the city. its the perfect mix of arts and culture, and there is just so many interesting oddities about it. tay and i both stayed at the liberty hotel, gorgeous! it had the old time architectural charm of 1930s boston. I had the once-in-lifetime chance to indulge in the in-house spa. i know why they call it a 'spa'.. because its a 'sp-ahhhhh!'

jokes! =D jessie brought me to an upscale neighbourhood, in a loft which held private cosmetic/skincare sales. of course, I had to stock up on my la prairie and la mer creams. ive been hooked since my first slather at age 13. teehee! upon arrival, there was an incredible amount of snow everywhere! ive never seen so much snow in the middle of march, believe me..some piles were taller than most of you! i'm glad we had a driver and a town car with us so we didnt have to face the unknown transit system!

I found the perfect pair of charcoal grey suede sigerson morrison boots, and alas..my absentmindedness ruined them all within an hour of putting them on. seriously, the salt there is like formaldehyde! swiggles of white lines are the perfect result of suede dipping in saltwater. i might just have to dye them black. =(

i wish i spent more time in boston, i'll definately be back soon. theres so much more of the city to take in and so many more experiences!

i finally received my lust-worthy bag: the miu miu vitello lux in grey. made of supple buttery goatskin, its almost as soft as the recent coach leather gloves. its the perfect bag for every occasion thus far. im such a sucker for anything miu miu.


another thing! im really digging OPI's Russian Navy. its the perfect amount of inky blue, but not as dark as black satin. the colour varies depending on light/angle. if i were to do them myself, i'd layer with a black first. delicious!! =D

i can't wait to finish painting my room. i originally allocated time this week to paint, but with exams and vacation in the way i dont have much time anymore! ps. primer sucks!

if weather permits, i will have a stroll down west fourth and check out the gravity pope sale.
ive been eyeing on a pair of marc wellingtons, but $170 does seem pretty ridiculous for made in china plastic. we'll see! =]

tattoo my recollections.

im starting to forget how you and everything else about you feels like.

that made me sob for an hour.

i dont want to forget.
i cant forget.

..


save my memories.
i miss the hip bone.


the best thing about vancouver..
is you.

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

past the etoile.

should i really have to coax nothing but half a heart that comes and goes, but never really stays?
will desperate words from a desperate song do anything but hurt us both?
i'd rather not this time
so give me back what's left of me and i'll settle on my own
you can find what you're looking for
i'll wait here and wait for yesterday
so redraw the maps
we're lost again
or maybe we were never going anywhere
if only we could trace the steps
we'd never find this place again
but they always wash away
you're asking
i'm trying now
but we passed the stars and found there's nothing really there
there never was
so let's go back again... again

underneath it all..

A coma might feel better, than this
attempting to discover where to begin
you're weighed down, you're full of something
a sickness and desertion
you're weighed down, you're full of someting
underneath it all

So say goodbye to love
and hold your head up high
there's no need to rush
we're all just waiting, waiting to die

Hoping a better place is all I need
with moments of innocence and mystery
Oh, it's the little things you miss
when you're underneath it all

All your friends seem like enemies
when you're broken down and empty

dreaming with a broken heart.

i took the polaroid down in my room
im pretty sure you have a new girlfriend
it's not as if i don't like you
it just makes me sad whenever i see it
cuz i like to be gone most of the time
and you like to be home most of the time
if i stay in one place i lose my mind
im a pretty impossible lady to be with

can you take me back to that place where stars glow?
comets swarm like fireflies outside your window.


i cant, but she can.


who knew i'd ever use that response again. .. .

this is the last time, that im ever going to breathe tonight;..

What's the point in holding onto fading memories when they just rot away with time and sour with the years? Time crushes us and nothing gold can stay, whether it's the things we lose or the things we give away. I miss those times. I wish that I would relive those days, but like sand through our fingers they just slip away. The past can be a poison kiss when the mind is free to reminisce. They say "time's tide will smother you" so hold your breath. We can't go back to where we lost ourselves,where our memories are trapped like insects in amber, prisoners of the past. I miss those times. I wish that I could relive those days, but like sand through our fingers they just slip away. I've got to remember not to hold on, just let go, because nothing stays the same. I've got to remind myself: "don't look back" because nothing stays the same. Time marches on with or without us so say goodbye to how things used to be. Those memories are like a sad song I haven't heard in awhile; so familiar yet so bittersweet. Time marches on. Nothing gold can stay. Time marches on with or without us.

single female addicted to retail.

when it all, it all falls down.
who you gonna call now?

man i promise. she's so self-conscious.
she has no idea what she's doing in college.

the prettiest people do the ugliest things.
couldn't afford a car, so she named her daughter Alexis.


i only think of you on two occasions: thats day and night.

happy new year. here's to a new year with new failures and new disappointments.