I feel like I'm waiting for something that's not going to happen..

verbal diarrhea at 3AM due to insomnia.

while it seems we as a species have gotten past so much, we have never really escaped the specter of beauty.


it's the foundation of every fairy tale: either it begins with a beautiful woman, or she's ugly and turns out to have been secretly beautiful, or she's ugly and through magic or a good heart or what have you she becomes beautiful. even people on tv or in movies who are supposed to be ugly have good looks bristling beneath their makeup.


we are genetically inclined toward the beautiful. this can hardly be disputed..there are, naturally, exceptions to the rule, but by and large it's true. while its said most couples are of equal attractiveness, its telling that even the most 'unattractive' (in whatever ways) person will long for someone who exhibits a high degree of physical beauty. its why a happily married man will still get a thrill from jessica alba or angelina jolie. they are beautiful in their eyes.


being an plain, average girl, I am often bewildered and a bit out of sorts when someone tells me they find me attractive. i look at myself, my collection of body parts and quirks, measure against even the lowest standard of beauty I can encounter, and quickly find myself lacking. its very difficult to believe in one's own beauty when there are people out there who are so much more stunning. it's not just about looks either. a beautiful, smart woman has a leg up on me, because we may both be smart but she's beautiful. someone may like my shape but I can't imagine how they could like a zaftig as much as they could like sylphlike, and I dont believe for a moment that I truly compare or can compete. women, so often, are seen as the sum of their parts (internally and externally) and not as a whole. I daresay men are considered the same way but I can't be sure because I don't really think of people that way..


I saw a commercial once for a car, and the voiceover said something like "you never look at someone and say 'gee, they sure look loyal' or 'that person sure looks smart and considerate'" and I think that is where the social vs genetic clash happens. no, we dont have to choose someone based on their looks. we dont have to fall prey to the lure of whats on the outside, but in all honesty how in the world else are we supposed to ever find whats inside? and worse, lets say by way of the internet or something we meet someone's true self before we see his/her physical self. what if there is no attraction? what if the physicality mitigates everything that came before?


I think that we will always find ourselves warring with the concepts of physical and inner beauty. there's no wrong in only pursuing someone you find externally attractive, even at the cost of losing someone who is less so but has a richer inner self. why? there is always that component within us that can be tempted. many overcome it but many dont, and in the end I think it behooves those of us who are less attractive to either be like water and seek our own level, or find whatever is within ourselves that makes validation from an outside party important, and excise it tout de suite.

it got better..

I remember, I would be utterly obsessive about the girl and alex. I would find enjoyment, no not enjoyment.. but satisfaction and curiousity, enough of both to drive by their homes. almost on a nightly basis. If i'm in the area, I would just make a small detour and drive by. I didn't see what good would it bring me, it wouldn't have solved anything or bring me back to where I wanted to be. But everynight, I'd still drive around.


time heals all wounds. and as much as I would like to say I'm over alex, I'm not.. but I can proudly say that I've grown. no longer do I make the detours, i dont think about it when I'm in the area..It rarely crosses my mind.


I reread our own conversations, yes.. it was incredibly painful. the most pain I've ever felt in my existance, but whats done is done. I can only move forward, because. .. like mum said.. the best way is to try to live better than him. without pain, I would always take love for granted.

you're ruining me, with secrets and gestures and looks.

you're breaking into my heart..


and I'm letting you.


... perhaps its called a crush because of this CRUSHING feeling you experience. you infiltrated me and ninja'd my heart. I don't know how long the process took but you've succeeded. you've managed to place me at the palm of your hand, at your every beck and call. not in my wildest imagination, would I have thought that I'd fall for you. And I'm falling hard. ..

I used to not care whether you showed up to events. and if you didn't.. it wouldn't affect me an ounce. but at this point..I cannot say the same. It bothers me when you're not there, it doesn't feel right. I've gotten so used to your touch, that I sneakily arrange to sit beside you, just so your leg will subtlely brush against mine or vice versa. I tell myself, I need to stay away.. getting any closer to you will just cause immense hurt. But like a moth to light, I can't peel myself away..you've been showing me so much affection, to the point where I'm craving for any small scraps of your pseudo 'care'. grow a backbone, p. stop being a jellyfish. don't be so soft. don't let him ruin everything you've worked hard for.

do you know you're ruining me? You are pushing me to the brink of a nervous breakdown. Please stop playing hot and cold with me, don't keep me at a distant and then tease and flirt with me. Don't leave me to spend time with family and then ask me if I would like to have dinner with your parents. Don't say 'I really want you to come" when you're just going to ignore me.

Do you realize how brittle my heart is, and how easily it can crack from all this heaviness? please treat it with care, you have to learn that although a woman's heart is hard to get into, once you do have it.. you have to handle with care.

it was difficult singing Lucky tonight. because i am in love like with one of my best friends. and the way you look at me.. sometimes it feels like Im all you see, and then there are days where you don't see me at all, you look past me as if I do not matter.

whats going on?