I feel like I'm waiting for something that's not going to happen..

verbal diarrhea at 3AM due to insomnia.

while it seems we as a species have gotten past so much, we have never really escaped the specter of beauty.


it's the foundation of every fairy tale: either it begins with a beautiful woman, or she's ugly and turns out to have been secretly beautiful, or she's ugly and through magic or a good heart or what have you she becomes beautiful. even people on tv or in movies who are supposed to be ugly have good looks bristling beneath their makeup.


we are genetically inclined toward the beautiful. this can hardly be disputed..there are, naturally, exceptions to the rule, but by and large it's true. while its said most couples are of equal attractiveness, its telling that even the most 'unattractive' (in whatever ways) person will long for someone who exhibits a high degree of physical beauty. its why a happily married man will still get a thrill from jessica alba or angelina jolie. they are beautiful in their eyes.


being an plain, average girl, I am often bewildered and a bit out of sorts when someone tells me they find me attractive. i look at myself, my collection of body parts and quirks, measure against even the lowest standard of beauty I can encounter, and quickly find myself lacking. its very difficult to believe in one's own beauty when there are people out there who are so much more stunning. it's not just about looks either. a beautiful, smart woman has a leg up on me, because we may both be smart but she's beautiful. someone may like my shape but I can't imagine how they could like a zaftig as much as they could like sylphlike, and I dont believe for a moment that I truly compare or can compete. women, so often, are seen as the sum of their parts (internally and externally) and not as a whole. I daresay men are considered the same way but I can't be sure because I don't really think of people that way..


I saw a commercial once for a car, and the voiceover said something like "you never look at someone and say 'gee, they sure look loyal' or 'that person sure looks smart and considerate'" and I think that is where the social vs genetic clash happens. no, we dont have to choose someone based on their looks. we dont have to fall prey to the lure of whats on the outside, but in all honesty how in the world else are we supposed to ever find whats inside? and worse, lets say by way of the internet or something we meet someone's true self before we see his/her physical self. what if there is no attraction? what if the physicality mitigates everything that came before?


I think that we will always find ourselves warring with the concepts of physical and inner beauty. there's no wrong in only pursuing someone you find externally attractive, even at the cost of losing someone who is less so but has a richer inner self. why? there is always that component within us that can be tempted. many overcome it but many dont, and in the end I think it behooves those of us who are less attractive to either be like water and seek our own level, or find whatever is within ourselves that makes validation from an outside party important, and excise it tout de suite.

it got better..

I remember, I would be utterly obsessive about the girl and alex. I would find enjoyment, no not enjoyment.. but satisfaction and curiousity, enough of both to drive by their homes. almost on a nightly basis. If i'm in the area, I would just make a small detour and drive by. I didn't see what good would it bring me, it wouldn't have solved anything or bring me back to where I wanted to be. But everynight, I'd still drive around.


time heals all wounds. and as much as I would like to say I'm over alex, I'm not.. but I can proudly say that I've grown. no longer do I make the detours, i dont think about it when I'm in the area..It rarely crosses my mind.


I reread our own conversations, yes.. it was incredibly painful. the most pain I've ever felt in my existance, but whats done is done. I can only move forward, because. .. like mum said.. the best way is to try to live better than him. without pain, I would always take love for granted.

you're ruining me, with secrets and gestures and looks.

you're breaking into my heart..


and I'm letting you.


... perhaps its called a crush because of this CRUSHING feeling you experience. you infiltrated me and ninja'd my heart. I don't know how long the process took but you've succeeded. you've managed to place me at the palm of your hand, at your every beck and call. not in my wildest imagination, would I have thought that I'd fall for you. And I'm falling hard. ..

I used to not care whether you showed up to events. and if you didn't.. it wouldn't affect me an ounce. but at this point..I cannot say the same. It bothers me when you're not there, it doesn't feel right. I've gotten so used to your touch, that I sneakily arrange to sit beside you, just so your leg will subtlely brush against mine or vice versa. I tell myself, I need to stay away.. getting any closer to you will just cause immense hurt. But like a moth to light, I can't peel myself away..you've been showing me so much affection, to the point where I'm craving for any small scraps of your pseudo 'care'. grow a backbone, p. stop being a jellyfish. don't be so soft. don't let him ruin everything you've worked hard for.

do you know you're ruining me? You are pushing me to the brink of a nervous breakdown. Please stop playing hot and cold with me, don't keep me at a distant and then tease and flirt with me. Don't leave me to spend time with family and then ask me if I would like to have dinner with your parents. Don't say 'I really want you to come" when you're just going to ignore me.

Do you realize how brittle my heart is, and how easily it can crack from all this heaviness? please treat it with care, you have to learn that although a woman's heart is hard to get into, once you do have it.. you have to handle with care.

it was difficult singing Lucky tonight. because i am in love like with one of my best friends. and the way you look at me.. sometimes it feels like Im all you see, and then there are days where you don't see me at all, you look past me as if I do not matter.

whats going on?

c r u s h ' d

dont tell me you dont want to lead me on. when all youve been doing is leading me on.

don't let me be close to you, let me think you like me.. show me all this affection and then tell me we're just friends. because we are far from just friends. friends dont ask if im cold, and then grab me at the waist.. and leave your hand there. friends don't hold hands with each other, saying your hands are cold. dont stay home from snowboarding because im not going.. dont give me a damn massage in front of everyone if we're just friends.


friends shouldn't act like this. you lead me on.


friends have boundaries. dont subtlety touch me and act innocent about it. i can sense it..
i dont know what happened, what you said... what i did. but after baker trip i knew i liked you a tad bit.. and this ambiguousness is driving me insane.

don't offer to do things for me, dont offer to go delivering presents. stop being so nice. stop being so nice to me jeff. i dont deserve it. im only going to fall for you more, harder and faster.

please stop all this affectionate, boyfriend actions. please take care of my heart, it cant afford to be broken again. please stop caring. why cant you act more like jimmy and not care? stop showing me affection. as much as i need it, want it.. stop it


we were doing so good, for soo long.. i saw you as a friend.. just a friend. and laughed when people asked us if we're dating. for seven months, we were just that..'friends'. what did i do wrong? i let my guard down. every hour that we spend together.. i let abit of you in. until i fully let you crumble my walls and infiltrate me. you silently came and ninja'd my heart. and i gave you so much of myself, my time.. the countless late nights, the endless joyrides to nowhere. the silent nights where we'd just spend time with each other.. listening to music. talking..


when did this start? why am i feeling this way towards you? when did i start falling? please make it stop.


lets just go back to the point, where we were JUST FRIENDS. none of this ambiguous, blurred boundary.

im trying to forget..

Things I loved about you

The way you stared at me when I close my eyes, then you closed your eyes and I stared at you

How perfectly your hand fit in mine

How you seemed so strong on the outside, but I could tell you were so sweet on the inside

The way you said I love you, because you sounded so shy

How during that first time we were alone, when we held hands and talked for hours and finally kissed after so long

How you were so interested in my life and what I was doing

How you remembered everything I said to you perfectly

When you texted me randomly (as little as that may be)

When you told me I’m one of the most perfect girls you’ve ever met

How you were too shy to hold my hand, in case I didn’t want you to

The awkward moments - because they weren’t really awkward at all

Sitting at the table with your family and enjoying myself and you

Taking photo booth pictures with you and you made the best faces I’ve ever seen

Getting high together and making weird animal sounds as we walked back to your house

The way you made me feel after we made out for an hour

How you told me I looked great every time we saw each other - despite how untrue I thought it was

How I sat on your lap when we went on the computer together, and your legs fell asleep but you didn’t care, as long as I was sitting that close to you

How even on the coldest nights, you lent me your sweater

How much you have passions for things

Your laugh/smile

How you always made fun of me - I secretly loved it

What a loser you are, because I am too

How you admitted defeat and say sorry when I wouldn’t let you win a fight

The way you made the butterflies in my stomach flutter every time I saw your smile

How much you made me love you.

But now they are things of the past, since we broke up. I’m slowly getting over every one of these ways I loved you by replacing them with things I don’t like about you. I don’t think it’s working too well, though, because I know they will each still be in the back of my head because you were my first love and I will never forget you or a single thing that I loved about you. And truthfully, I still love most of those things. I’ll miss every one of them.

the danger of heartbreak

the danger of a broken heart is not the pain.
not the tears, or anger.
not the ache, not the loneliness,
not the quiet, the empty seat, the bed now much too big.

the danger of a broken heart is what we have to repair it with.
mistrust, hopelessness, faux comfort.
independence.
the oaths we take. what we swear to ourselves.
the danger is self-reliance.

the danger is that these stitches in our heart don't fall out.
that they are there to stay.
because they must.

the danger is that we know it isn't about love anymore.
and,
it isn't about how perfect we are in our world.
it's about how perfect we are in theirs.

the danger is that two became one.
and a half of one...
well.

half is not whole.

but now we must make it so.

you're still here..

i'll admit it,
i was lonely,
i needed you then,
i wanted you to help fill those gaps of solitude,
i had no one and you were there,
in the back of my mind,
i saw no future,
i just saw the present,
i was alone and you were there,
you fell in love,
i felt sorry for you,
so i stayed,
i know heartbreak,
wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy,
and still, i was alone but you were there,
wanted to love you so badly,
like the way i once did for him,
yet, those memories of heartache,
have numbed veins that once pumped love,
i hate that you're in love with me,
i hate that i can't be in love with you

i found someone else,
he's what i want,
i'm not alone but i still want him,
and he wants me,
just not as much as i want him,
he needs me for right now,
and i'll take that,
no future in mind,
i've fallen for him,
he revived my heart,
but instead of feeling light,
it feels heavy,
he doesn't love me,

i can't tell you of my infidelity,
it'll hurt you,
and i can't bare the guilt,
besides, i don't want to be lonely,
and, well...
you're still here

breaking into my heart

Do you remember what I was when we first met? I'd built walls around my heart, gated them, and thrown away the key. I had been hurt, I told you from the beginning. I'd been used, tricked, played with, but most of all, hurt. I thought it best to never fall in love again. So I locked my heart.

You figured it out quite soon. I said don't fall in love with me. I cannot fall in love with you. I won't. I'm too hurt, too damaged, too afraid to go through all of this once more. I'd decided love was just a scam. So we became friends, and that was okay with me, and with you. And it was all nice and comforting and I let myself trust you.

You would listen to me for hours, as we talked about everything and nothing. You learned why I wasn't willing to let anyone love me, and though you said you would never do that kind of a thing to me, I wasn't ready to trust you to test it out. I kept my walls intact even when I started remembering where I'd thrown the key. It was the only way to keep myself from falling in love.

But then something happened. I woke up three weeks ago and realised that I love you. And you said you love me, and you cannot promise we will be forever but you can promise not to hurt me. I believed you. I still didn't realize how I'd come to love you, how you came to find the key to my heart.

Now I know. You didn't find the key. You broke into my heart, and I let you. Just don't break my heart.

im trying to quit my addiction..

Secret confession: I am kicking a habit of drugs. Hold your gasps, I’m not talking about the narcotics kind, I’m talking about the boy kind. Let me explain to you the “drug” kind – also known as the “bad boy”. Often attractive, charismatic, popular and fun; guys want to be his friend, girls want to date him. Like a peacock, he knows how to best display his heavily ornamented train, puff out his chest and shake his tail feathers as he tries to attract a female peacock to mate with. And likewise, to attract the “drug” or “peacock” there are certain ceremonies the female has to partake in as well. Dress a certain way, flirt a certain way, look a certain way…

The “Drug” kind of guy feels good when you have its attention, its eye… and when you don’t; you are left craving and yearning for your next fix. You know in your gut that it’s bad for you, but the desire to have that moment of pleasure, that rush, is so overpowering that you make decisions that are against your rationale anyway. And as your friends are all shaking their head at the cycle of abuse you’ve signed up for, you can’t help but shake off that dangerous allure of the bad boy – their “I don’t care” attitude, their alpha male confidence, their unavailability…

Throughout the years, my same “drug” experience with this type of man has repeated itself in my life. To them, I’m just another high – when you provide them pleasure, they like you, and when you don’t, they don’t care for you. In my experiences this type of man gave me a strange feeling of validation, of being “special” – because out of everyone who showers him with attention in the crowd, he “picked me”. However, the primary reason why he liked me in the first place was due to the “Siren” extension of self I exuded –a Portia that is glammed up, ultra confident, and flirtatious. And while I am busy maintaining my “ceremonies” for attracting, so is he – with his ego and alpha male extension of self - both of our alter egos doing the flirting dance.

Then there is another kind, the “Vitamin” kind. This person has self love, and therefore is able to give and receive love. He isn’t looking to you to fulfill him or provide another exciting rush or chase. He sees you for the beauty beyond your shell – your essence (which is a constant) and is patient and understanding throughout your various extensions of self (which is always changing). When you’re around him, there is a sharing of an honest, sincere and positive energy. It’s healthy for you and whether your experience with this person lasts for just a moment or a few years, your heart and soul are left just a little more joyful because of them.

Seems like common sense doesn’t it? But to this very day, my attraction to the “drug” still exists, and probably always will. It’s not easy changing patterns – the justifying, the lowering of standards, the cycles of abuse/mistreatment that we suddenly tolerate as a norm. But, while the draw may always be there to some degree, my decision to delve into it once again and allowing the high to inhabit my headspace is a conscious choice. Now I’m asking myself different questions before making my decisions. Instead of, “Will this feel good/exciting right now?” I use the following question as my guide: “Where do you want to go, and will the decision you’re about to make take you one step closer in that direction, or veer you off your path”?

It was fun while it lasted - the drugs, vitamins, Tylenols – heck, the whole gamut – but I’m quite ready to retire from the unhealthy choices and the excitement/ drama that comes along with it. I’m able to recognize the reality right away versus before, when I’d visualize a fantasy of what could be and believe I could actually tame a wild horse. There are consequences of grasping on to the temporary highs – not just the pain, but eventually, a chipping of self esteem, self worth and standards. You also get into such a pattern of the exciting bad boys that you may overlook and miss opportunity to the real gems out there…the Vitamin Kind.

rough hands.

every single person that I have truly ever loved, eventually ends up disappointing me.

I used to walk tall..

bitterness is good.

you wont make the same mistakes twice.