hopeless

happy birthday A.

everytime where theres a birthday, you'd save me a piece of cake and we would share it together.
it hurts me to know that you're sharing and creating new memories with another person, and no longer with me.

im tired. im really tired, mentally, physically, emotionally. i dont want to deal with this anymore. i dont want to sulk over you and mourn over my loss when you're out there living your life. but every little thing reminds me of you. i dig out all the redemptions to listen again, reliving the past.

i miss our walks. i miss our talks. i miss the way you kiss me. the way your face crinkles with those cute laugh lines. i miss the way you comfort me when i cry. i miss the time you assured it was okay, when i was crying, to wipe my snot across your sleeve. at that moment, im thinking "wow, thats love". i miss being cute with you. i miss standing in the kitchen, your arms around my waist while im cooking, and you saying "hello BB". i miss the way you made number 1 bear 'alive'. i miss your laugh. i miss your taste in music. i miss receiving redemptions. i miss exploring the city with you. i miss lying in bed all day with you, sans clothes. i miss the time we went downtown to launch fireworks. we almost blew off your hand. i love you. i love you. i love you.i love you. im sorry i didnt get to say it enough. i love you so much. no tears can ever bring you back and i hate you. i hate myself for it. i hate how im not the best candidate for being your girlfriend, for being your wife. i hate how i didnt appreciate you enough. i hate how i put my friends before you. i love you. i miss talking about toto, and wishing we owned a real dog named toto. i miss steveston. we never got to eat the fish and chips there. i wish we could've gone back to dix one last time. i miss walking through downtown at night. wandering aimlessly. i miss the times you've cleaned up for me, how cute you were. i miss the time you dropped the eggs. im sorry i blew the fight(s) out of proportion. you were the first person i loved fully. i will never forget you. please never, ever, forget about me. i miss making out with you. i miss the way you taste, i miss being intimate with you. i love you i love you i love you. i miss the emails you used to send me whilst i was in school. i remember the excitement of checking my email on my bathroom breaks, sneaking out to the career centre to check. i miss telling you funny stories about little A and bio-stealer. i love you. i wish i was smarter and beautiful and be perfect for you. im sorry i wasnt. i miss going to bubbletea and ordering rose milk tea with grassjelly. i miss browsing online with you. i miss everything about you. i miss you. i remember the time you took out all your toys and showed me everything. you were like a little kid. adorable. i love you.
thank you for looking past my flaws and loving me with your all at one point. thank you for choosing me out of everyone to be your first girlfriend. i am always anticipating your call on saturday mornings at work, knowing you will never ever call me again. i miss being the girlfriend that gets to ride in her boyfriend's car in richmond. i was hurt when you took down the big dipper. its probably taken down and im hurt just thinking about it. i hope i still cross your mind. i hope you still love me. i miss coming to your home and watch the OC on your couch. curling up beside you. i love you. i love you. i love you. 9.15. i cant live without your love, without you.

i am still waiting for the lego notebook house.