i need some sleep

i thought i was getting better.
i cried for the first time in a month. i cried myself to sleep.

i forced myself to stop crying, but the taste of saline just encourages more tears.
it hurts, and im letting myself succumb to it. it feels like a heavy heart, breaking within the chest. its almost as if i cant breathe at times. suffocating.

i need to stop feeling like this.
i reread all our old emails. you loved me. i loved you, i still do.
you told me i was your safety net, that i would be able to catch you if you fall.

then what about me? where is my safety net? you promised you would catch me when im down. im here alone picking up all the pieces of my broken heart. a futile attempt to piece things back together. you promised. you said you would love me forever and ever. what happened to forever? is it just gone with the wind, just like the 'truths' you told me?

'i need some sleep, i cant go on like this. i try counting sheep, but theres one i always miss.
you just gotta let it go'


can you love me the way you did? i miss your love for me. do you still think about me? always? do you think about me as much as i do for you? because i think about you all the time. throughout the day, sometimes its as if i cannot concentrate on anything. i hate how i cant control this. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you. you told me i was the best girl you've ever met, does it still compare? have you removed me out of your heart entirely? i hope im one of the best girls you'll ever meet. i hope one day we can be together again. and when that day arrives, i know we will spend the rest of our lives together. i know i will change for the better, and i will make you proud. reading back on your emails, im so glad i found you. i forgot how much ive given you, hope, confidence and everything else. i hope that never really diminished.

i hope that in your eyes, i'll still be perfect. and you wont look at me any less.
i hope i was a terrific girlfriend at one point in our relationship. i know we'll meet again one day. i just wish you would give me another chance. i know i can do better.

i just cant stand to hate you. i know i shouldnt even be talking to you. everyone tells me talking to you will prolong the pain. but i cant stand not talking to you. i should hate you, but i love you so much that i cant bear to mark you with anything. you have no idea how alone i feel. im struggling in school but no one is able to help me. i cant let them know about this. it feels as if you are the only one that knows my secret. whats worse is that, the person that i put such high regard to. the person who i trust most..ends up failing. you end up betraying my trust. i dont know if i can ever trust anyone again, let alone you. it was the greatest disappoint of my life. i dont know what to say. i want to hate you for what you did. it hurted alot. i dont go through a single day without thinking about you. what you are doing. what you are doing with her. i cant stand the fact that she is better than i am, even though when we were together..i asked you numerous times..what does she have that i didnt have? and numerous times, i got the answer..'you have everything i want'.

how can you bear to lie to me? i wonder if you ever feel bad for doing such a thing to a person you've spent three long years with. but i suppose you can do such actions to someone you don't really love anymore.

it hurts because im not your number one anymore. and we can never be as close. i cannot run into your arms when im in fear, or when i have a bad day. i cant call you anymore and hear your voice, knowing thats all it takes to calm my fears.

can you come back? its cold and lonely here.
im going crazy just thinking about you baby.