do you still care?
whatever happened to "we'll hang out for sure in winter break, im just really busy now b/c of school'

i knew it. we can never be friends because you simply do not put the effort in it.
you dont care at all..friends or not.

so why cant you just tell me straight up instead of leading me on, giving me false hope that i can still have a close friend to count on.

all i want is at the end of the day, have you hold me and give me a giant hug. and tell me everything will me okay because you're here with me.

i wonder if it still counts as murder.

the only thing that i wanted you to do, that i told you was very important to me.
you couldnt even do it. your heart is fully with her.

remember when you bought souveniers on our trip? how strongheaded you were when you wanted to give her the present IMMEDIATELY? what happened this time? wheres the nurseyduck? its so hard to accept, but you will never think of me with such attention anymore.
i will always be last-rate.

im scared out of my mind for tomorrow.
i really hope it wont hurt. part of me wanted to tell you everything, but i didnt want you to pity me. nor did i want you to question me and think im lying. thats the last thing i need. i really wish you can hold my hand at the hospital and tell me everythings going to be okay. all i wanted was you to hold my waist and pat my tummy, "hello BB". because, maybe for a nano-second, it feels real. i understand where you're standing from. i understand that its an odd thing to do. i understand that you cant do that because you;re with her. if you werent..would you do it?

im so sorry bb. its a hard thing for me to do too, i really dont want to go through with it. but i simply cant support you. i cant have you at this point in my life. i hope your next life will be better. im so sorry, im so sorry. im so sorry i dont want you. i really wish i could hold you and name you. i remember we had it all planned out. a girl would be alexis, a boy would be ephram or joshua. im soo sorry. i dont want to kill anything. i dont want to be a murderer. this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

please hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay.
please just let me wake up from this nightmare. why does it have to be like this.
i know i wouldnt have kept it anyway, even if we were together. but at least you would be there for me. to comfort me, to soothe me and tell me everything will be alright.


can you take my breath away?
can you give him life today?
is everything gonna be okay?


why cant i just cut you out! it pains me to see you. it hurts when im not the one you're looking forward to seeing. i drove you to see her. my friends are appalled. so many times, they ask.. 'why are you being so nice to him when he hurted you?' and you're not that good of a friend either. you throw around tidbits that sting me. nonchalantly. you dont share alot with me, but when i say 'just a friend or meeting a friend' you demand to know what im doing or who it is. i like how you set double standards. do you think you deserve to know when you hide shit from me?


thats it. after i give everything ive ever owed you, everything that was meant for you... this friendship. this accquaintance. this last-rated friend of yours. this rag-doll. this pity-bank. this charity case is going on hiatus. dont look, i will only disappear further.

merry christmas, i could care less

happy 3 months since you've told me you don't love me anymore.

remember when you asked if i feel bad about listening to bitter lyrics from fall out boy? and how a part of you thinks i dont deserve to sing along to it??

hypocrite.
now, ifs its anybody, its YOU that don't deserve to sing along to fall out boy.
don't you dare believe in what you sing. i hope you feel empty.


Everything that could have went wrong, went wrong this year.
Nothing recently has made me want to stand up and cheer.
Everything you haven't said has finally come back to you.
Now is not the time. Now is not the time.

I know you never liked any gifts I gave to you...
This holiday is overrated.
It turned out the way I expected.
This holiday is one to forget.
Another year, this time I'll regret that I spent too much time and money on you.


this is the first christmas ive ever hated.
thanks for giving me a reason to.
best. gift. ever.

she escapes to forget they were once together.

it hurted me when i told you i needed to cut you out of my life.
it was one of the hardest things to do.

every night on the way to my front doorstep, i look up for the big dipper. some nights, its there.
some nights..its not, and those nights feel longer than usual. those are the nights where i hug toto tighter, listen to our song a few times more, shed a few more tears.

everyone thinks its incredibly stupid that im leaving my own happiness up to you.

you are an addiction. something i cannot resist. you have no idea how good i feel when i speak to you. to hear your voice again, our past couple conversations...it felt like you were mind again. those couple hours were dedicated to me.

is it strange or desperate of me to think there was still something between us when i informed you about the flight tickets to hong kong? i know you still care for me. i know you dont love me the way i want you to anymore. i just want to know if you still love me. you dont even need to be IN love with me. i just want to know. its killing me deep inside.

if talking to you is wrong, why does it feel so right?
i cant talk to you anymore if i want to stop feeling like this. im going to relapse. my curiosity will get the best of me. at the moment of decision, the pleasure of hearing you would probably outweigh the pain. i'll convince myself its worth it. i miss you calling me 'my little dimsum'.

i play loops in my head, everyday. i should've been a better girlfriend. i should've listened. smartened up. if i was, you would never fall out of love with me.

im sorry i didnt do good enough. i tried to be perfect. i looked forward to hongkong all year. some days, i couldnt contain my excitement, my hope to see the look on your face when i tell you about the flight tickets.

i really wanted to show you hongkong. i wanted you to experience it with me. i wanted to show you everything. i wanted you to experience all the sights and sounds and taste. i looked forward to seeing your face light up, taking in everything. most of all, i wanted to explore something entirely new with you. it killed me that i would not be the one to live through that with you. my days are filled with 'should've beens, would've beens, could've beens'

im sorry im not perfect. im so sorry. i would anything for you to give me another chance. i dont care what you did. i just dont care. i love you so.

i miss your laughlines. im sorry i was being bossy in every aspect. im sorry i was so needy. if you gave me another chance, i promise i would change. im willing to change everything. i love you so much.

everyday, i keep telling myself..take it one day at a time. it WILL get better.
close to three months now, ive just been telling myself a lie. ITS NOT GETTING BETTER.
it still hurts as much as before. if not worse.



i will never love anyone as much as i do for you.
i dont care if you dont love me, i just want to be with you.


they say if you really love someone, you'll do anything to make them happy.
even if it means letting the person go, even if that means they're happy with someone else.

i aspire to be the perfect altruistic ex-girlfriend. im glad you're happier with her.
im sorry i cant give you as much happiness. im really really sorry i dissapointed you.

you're the worst actor that i've ever seen
but if this script called for liars, you'd play the lead.


my catharsis is long overdue. when can i stop feeling like an empty shell.
when can i start feeling the hint of happiness?


i never thought that I couldn't get over you.
you're not mine, but i love you anyway.

better off? how.. can it be.

This place is so empty,
My thoughts are so tempting,
I don’t know how it got so bad.
Sometimes it’s so crazy,
that nothing could save me,
But it’s the only thing that I have.


i hope the scarlet letter burns right through your chest.

drive yourself home,
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
and again when your head goes through the windshield.



get over him. ive seen more spine in jellyfish.

where is the good, in goodbye?

its been two months, four days, eight hours since we've parted.

i still miss you more than ever.
not a day goes by without me thinking about you. i know i should be over you, but thats not the case. i never thought i can love someone this much. im willing to forgive all faults, please come back. the sight of you with another girl just breaks my heart. it feels like you're subconsciously tugging at my heartstrings. i just wish i can forget about you and wake up, pretending there was nothing between us. but i cant. i dont have the heart to.
i dont have the heart to hate you for what you did, i know i should. im stupid. im crazy for you.

i can still feel your hand holding mine. i remember i used to warm up yours whenever you're cold. i was your personal 'heater'. do you miss me? do i ever cross your mind? i hope you still love me, i dont want to lose you.

i know if i really loved you, then i'd want you to be happy, even if that means you're not with me. ive tried so hard to let you go, but i miss you so much. i never thought id say this but i stare at my phone hoping you'd call so i can just hear you voice. i miss you holding me and caressing my back. i cant get over this. i feel stupid, incredibly dumb for hanging onto you. im so selfish, i cant bare the thought of knowing your heart isnt mine anymore. drove around furiously following you, just so i can catch a glimpse of you. but its the wrong person. im going crazy, i dont know what im doing anymore.

i will never find a guy who treated me as good as you did. i know for sure you will become a great dad and an awesome husband. i hope that maybe fate will bring us back together again and i can be by your side when the time comes for you to settle.



i miss being happy.