dont tell me you dont want to lead me on. when all youve been doing is leading me on.
don't let me be close to you, let me think you like me.. show me all this affection and then tell me we're just friends. because we are far from just friends. friends dont ask if im cold, and then grab me at the waist.. and leave your hand there. friends don't hold hands with each other, saying your hands are cold. dont stay home from snowboarding because im not going.. dont give me a damn massage in front of everyone if we're just friends.
friends shouldn't act like this. you lead me on.
friends have boundaries. dont subtlety touch me and act innocent about it. i can sense it..
i dont know what happened, what you said... what i did. but after baker trip i knew i liked you a tad bit.. and this ambiguousness is driving me insane.
don't offer to do things for me, dont offer to go delivering presents. stop being so nice. stop being so nice to me jeff. i dont deserve it. im only going to fall for you more, harder and faster.
please stop all this affectionate, boyfriend actions. please take care of my heart, it cant afford to be broken again. please stop caring. why cant you act more like jimmy and not care? stop showing me affection. as much as i need it, want it.. stop it
we were doing so good, for soo long.. i saw you as a friend.. just a friend. and laughed when people asked us if we're dating. for seven months, we were just that..'friends'. what did i do wrong? i let my guard down. every hour that we spend together.. i let abit of you in. until i fully let you crumble my walls and infiltrate me. you silently came and ninja'd my heart. and i gave you so much of myself, my time.. the countless late nights, the endless joyrides to nowhere. the silent nights where we'd just spend time with each other.. listening to music. talking..
when did this start? why am i feeling this way towards you? when did i start falling? please make it stop.
lets just go back to the point, where we were JUST FRIENDS. none of this ambiguous, blurred boundary.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
im trying to forget..
Things I loved about you
The way you stared at me when I close my eyes, then you closed your eyes and I stared at you
How perfectly your hand fit in mine
How you seemed so strong on the outside, but I could tell you were so sweet on the inside
The way you said I love you, because you sounded so shy
How during that first time we were alone, when we held hands and talked for hours and finally kissed after so long
How you were so interested in my life and what I was doing
How you remembered everything I said to you perfectly
When you texted me randomly (as little as that may be)
When you told me I’m one of the most perfect girls you’ve ever met
How you were too shy to hold my hand, in case I didn’t want you to
The awkward moments - because they weren’t really awkward at all
Sitting at the table with your family and enjoying myself and you
Taking photo booth pictures with you and you made the best faces I’ve ever seen
Getting high together and making weird animal sounds as we walked back to your house
The way you made me feel after we made out for an hour
How you told me I looked great every time we saw each other - despite how untrue I thought it was
How I sat on your lap when we went on the computer together, and your legs fell asleep but you didn’t care, as long as I was sitting that close to you
How even on the coldest nights, you lent me your sweater
How much you have passions for things
Your laugh/smile
How you always made fun of me - I secretly loved it
What a loser you are, because I am too
How you admitted defeat and say sorry when I wouldn’t let you win a fight
The way you made the butterflies in my stomach flutter every time I saw your smile
How much you made me love you.
But now they are things of the past, since we broke up. I’m slowly getting over every one of these ways I loved you by replacing them with things I don’t like about you. I don’t think it’s working too well, though, because I know they will each still be in the back of my head because you were my first love and I will never forget you or a single thing that I loved about you. And truthfully, I still love most of those things. I’ll miss every one of them.
the danger of heartbreak
the danger of a broken heart is not the pain.
not the tears, or anger.
not the ache, not the loneliness,
not the quiet, the empty seat, the bed now much too big.
the danger of a broken heart is what we have to repair it with.
mistrust, hopelessness, faux comfort.
independence.
the oaths we take. what we swear to ourselves.
the danger is self-reliance.
the danger is that these stitches in our heart don't fall out.
that they are there to stay.
because they must.
the danger is that we know it isn't about love anymore.
and,
it isn't about how perfect we are in our world.
it's about how perfect we are in theirs.
the danger is that two became one.
and a half of one...
well.
half is not whole.
but now we must make it so.
not the tears, or anger.
not the ache, not the loneliness,
not the quiet, the empty seat, the bed now much too big.
the danger of a broken heart is what we have to repair it with.
mistrust, hopelessness, faux comfort.
independence.
the oaths we take. what we swear to ourselves.
the danger is self-reliance.
the danger is that these stitches in our heart don't fall out.
that they are there to stay.
because they must.
the danger is that we know it isn't about love anymore.
and,
it isn't about how perfect we are in our world.
it's about how perfect we are in theirs.
the danger is that two became one.
and a half of one...
well.
half is not whole.
but now we must make it so.
you're still here..
i'll admit it,
i was lonely,
i needed you then,
i wanted you to help fill those gaps of solitude,
i had no one and you were there,
in the back of my mind,
i saw no future,
i just saw the present,
i was alone and you were there,
you fell in love,
i felt sorry for you,
so i stayed,
i know heartbreak,
wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy,
and still, i was alone but you were there,
wanted to love you so badly,
like the way i once did for him,
yet, those memories of heartache,
have numbed veins that once pumped love,
i hate that you're in love with me,
i hate that i can't be in love with you
i found someone else,
he's what i want,
i'm not alone but i still want him,
and he wants me,
just not as much as i want him,
he needs me for right now,
and i'll take that,
no future in mind,
i've fallen for him,
he revived my heart,
but instead of feeling light,
it feels heavy,
he doesn't love me,
i can't tell you of my infidelity,
it'll hurt you,
and i can't bare the guilt,
besides, i don't want to be lonely,
and, well...
you're still here
breaking into my heart
Do you remember what I was when we first met? I'd built walls around my heart, gated them, and thrown away the key. I had been hurt, I told you from the beginning. I'd been used, tricked, played with, but most of all, hurt. I thought it best to never fall in love again. So I locked my heart.
You figured it out quite soon. I said don't fall in love with me. I cannot fall in love with you. I won't. I'm too hurt, too damaged, too afraid to go through all of this once more. I'd decided love was just a scam. So we became friends, and that was okay with me, and with you. And it was all nice and comforting and I let myself trust you.
You would listen to me for hours, as we talked about everything and nothing. You learned why I wasn't willing to let anyone love me, and though you said you would never do that kind of a thing to me, I wasn't ready to trust you to test it out. I kept my walls intact even when I started remembering where I'd thrown the key. It was the only way to keep myself from falling in love.
But then something happened. I woke up three weeks ago and realised that I love you. And you said you love me, and you cannot promise we will be forever but you can promise not to hurt me. I believed you. I still didn't realize how I'd come to love you, how you came to find the key to my heart.
Now I know. You didn't find the key. You broke into my heart, and I let you. Just don't break my heart.
im trying to quit my addiction..
Secret confession: I am kicking a habit of drugs. Hold your gasps, I’m not talking about the narcotics kind, I’m talking about the boy kind. Let me explain to you the “drug” kind – also known as the “bad boy”. Often attractive, charismatic, popular and fun; guys want to be his friend, girls want to date him. Like a peacock, he knows how to best display his heavily ornamented train, puff out his chest and shake his tail feathers as he tries to attract a female peacock to mate with. And likewise, to attract the “drug” or “peacock” there are certain ceremonies the female has to partake in as well. Dress a certain way, flirt a certain way, look a certain way…
The “Drug” kind of guy feels good when you have its attention, its eye… and when you don’t; you are left craving and yearning for your next fix. You know in your gut that it’s bad for you, but the desire to have that moment of pleasure, that rush, is so overpowering that you make decisions that are against your rationale anyway. And as your friends are all shaking their head at the cycle of abuse you’ve signed up for, you can’t help but shake off that dangerous allure of the bad boy – their “I don’t care” attitude, their alpha male confidence, their unavailability…
Throughout the years, my same “drug” experience with this type of man has repeated itself in my life. To them, I’m just another high – when you provide them pleasure, they like you, and when you don’t, they don’t care for you. In my experiences this type of man gave me a strange feeling of validation, of being “special” – because out of everyone who showers him with attention in the crowd, he “picked me”. However, the primary reason why he liked me in the first place was due to the “Siren” extension of self I exuded –a Portia that is glammed up, ultra confident, and flirtatious. And while I am busy maintaining my “ceremonies” for attracting, so is he – with his ego and alpha male extension of self - both of our alter egos doing the flirting dance.
Then there is another kind, the “Vitamin” kind. This person has self love, and therefore is able to give and receive love. He isn’t looking to you to fulfill him or provide another exciting rush or chase. He sees you for the beauty beyond your shell – your essence (which is a constant) and is patient and understanding throughout your various extensions of self (which is always changing). When you’re around him, there is a sharing of an honest, sincere and positive energy. It’s healthy for you and whether your experience with this person lasts for just a moment or a few years, your heart and soul are left just a little more joyful because of them.
Seems like common sense doesn’t it? But to this very day, my attraction to the “drug” still exists, and probably always will. It’s not easy changing patterns – the justifying, the lowering of standards, the cycles of abuse/mistreatment that we suddenly tolerate as a norm. But, while the draw may always be there to some degree, my decision to delve into it once again and allowing the high to inhabit my headspace is a conscious choice. Now I’m asking myself different questions before making my decisions. Instead of, “Will this feel good/exciting right now?” I use the following question as my guide: “Where do you want to go, and will the decision you’re about to make take you one step closer in that direction, or veer you off your path”?
It was fun while it lasted - the drugs, vitamins, Tylenols – heck, the whole gamut – but I’m quite ready to retire from the unhealthy choices and the excitement/ drama that comes along with it. I’m able to recognize the reality right away versus before, when I’d visualize a fantasy of what could be and believe I could actually tame a wild horse. There are consequences of grasping on to the temporary highs – not just the pain, but eventually, a chipping of self esteem, self worth and standards. You also get into such a pattern of the exciting bad boys that you may overlook and miss opportunity to the real gems out there…the Vitamin Kind.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Monday, March 09, 2009
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Friday, February 06, 2009
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose people to be tagged and tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.
(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish).
1. I like experimenting new skincare/beauty products partly because I'm convinced if it's a dud, I can prevent people from wasting money on gimmick products. This includes the STUPID $40 Givenchy phenomen'eyes mascara and the 'vibrating mascara' from Lancome.
2. I have a bad habit of sticking to skincare regimes, which explains why I never really know if things are effectual seeing that I don't use it long enough to observe results.
3. I'm probably the best parallel parker I know. Pick a spot on the street and I will fit the car in. This is the aftermath from enduring hours of practice parallel parking in rush-hour traffic, with buses, 18-wheelers, and my driving instructor all yelling at me.
4. GOOGLE is my in-house doctor, mechanic, handyman, sous chef, financial advisor all packaged into one. I don't know what I would do without this great invention.
5. I have lists for everything. Movies to watch; recipes to make; places to see; things to do; restaurants to try. I assume it has to do with the satisfaction of checking something off. CHECK!
6. I aspire to use up the 24 pages in my passport in a five-year term one day.
7. There is a list of TV Shows that I want to get into, but the thought of catching up a crapload of episodes daunts me. However, once I get started on a show..I can sacrifice sleep in order to finish catching up. 4 seasons of greys in a week!
8. Packrat is my middle name. I like collecting for the sake of collecting. I'm determined someday at least one of my collections will be valuable and I can pass it down to my nieces/nephews/godchildren.
9. following on #8, I can't pass anything down to my kids because I made up my mind years ago that I don't want children at alll; I have my reasons.
10. Don't believe your friend when s/he tells you tattoos don't hurt. THEY MOTHEREFFING HURT!!
11. I started cataloging my wardrobe one day, visual pictorials of every article of clothing, footwear, accessory I own so A. I don't buy doubles. B. I know what I have. (Or not have =])
12. I'm secretly a 'Mommy's Girl'. I sleep in her bed when she goes on vacations cause sometimes I miss her so much. I freak out if she doesn't text/email daily when she's away. On the other hand, when she's home..on occasion I don't see her for days because I'm leaving early and coming home late.
13. Periodically, I daydream 'What-If' scenarios and conjure up some imaginary dialogue and loop it through my mind all day. This is also the reason why I answered 'Triceratops was using the washing machine' to the question 'Historically, AI was distinguished from cognitive psychology in what way?' in my psych. class.
14. Have you heard.. MC-Hammer pants aka 'Harem Pants' are the next IT thing on the Fashion front. More like 'must-be-kidding' instead of 'must-have', Vogue!! I wouldn't even touch it with an eight-inch stiletto.
15. I use 2 Rubbermaid totes/1 collapsible basket for groceries. One of my resolutions was to decrease the use of styrofoam and plastic bags. I have not taken any since, and hope it remains that way.
16. There should be a Whole Foods/Capers within my vicinity so I don't have to trek across the city to get my organic mac and cheese fix.
17. As far as I can remember, I loved car rides ever since I was a toddler. I recall my parents driving to Stanley Park every night just so it's easier for me to fall asleep. That's of course when gas was hovering the 30cents mark.
18. Following through #17, I love driving more than the average person would. Every so often I'd sneak out and drive aimlessly throughout the city. The open road is yours, the stillness of the city exudes a halcyon notion. Perhaps at times when your life is beyond your control, driving seems like the one thing you have complete predominance over.
19. I was hardly a good student in highschool. I rarely completed assignments, or rushed through it just to receive a passing mark. Oddly enough, that stopped in post-secondary. I'd still leave it to the last hour, but manage to write 10 page B+ papers in 2 hours. Either my profs are easy markers or I got smarter! The inner-highschool geek finally comes out!
20. I wish I can write half as well as certain people do. Some just have the talent to string together a few sentences quite eloquent and beautifully.
21. Call it OCD, but I never borrow books from the library. I feel icky when I do; its as if I'm touching dirty money. I buy all my books from the store instead.
22. I wouldn't say I'm a safe driver; I tend to speed excessively and drive with a short temper. But the one thing that I obsessively do is exaggerate my shoulder checks, something I'm consistantly made fun of! The Class 5 examiner complimented them and suggested I should be a 'model blindspot checker' for everyone. LOL!
23. Forget Brad Pitt or David Beckham, GEORGE CLOONEY <3333 trumps all of them!
[2nd place Tom Welling, haha]
24. I once gave a man $20 because I didn't have any change on me. I still remember his face light up with hope and gratitude.
25. My perfect dream moment would be me and someone I love dearly sitting in a convertible R8, seared ahi-tuna with miso glaze and a glass of pinot gris, watching planes takeoff and landing on a dark night. I should be a tv show scriptwriter, haha.
'
(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish).
1. I like experimenting new skincare/beauty products partly because I'm convinced if it's a dud, I can prevent people from wasting money on gimmick products. This includes the STUPID $40 Givenchy phenomen'eyes mascara and the 'vibrating mascara' from Lancome.
2. I have a bad habit of sticking to skincare regimes, which explains why I never really know if things are effectual seeing that I don't use it long enough to observe results.
3. I'm probably the best parallel parker I know. Pick a spot on the street and I will fit the car in. This is the aftermath from enduring hours of practice parallel parking in rush-hour traffic, with buses, 18-wheelers, and my driving instructor all yelling at me.
4. GOOGLE is my in-house doctor, mechanic, handyman, sous chef, financial advisor all packaged into one. I don't know what I would do without this great invention.
5. I have lists for everything. Movies to watch; recipes to make; places to see; things to do; restaurants to try. I assume it has to do with the satisfaction of checking something off. CHECK!
6. I aspire to use up the 24 pages in my passport in a five-year term one day.
7. There is a list of TV Shows that I want to get into, but the thought of catching up a crapload of episodes daunts me. However, once I get started on a show..I can sacrifice sleep in order to finish catching up. 4 seasons of greys in a week!
8. Packrat is my middle name. I like collecting for the sake of collecting. I'm determined someday at least one of my collections will be valuable and I can pass it down to my nieces/nephews/godchildren.
9. following on #8, I can't pass anything down to my kids because I made up my mind years ago that I don't want children at alll; I have my reasons.
10. Don't believe your friend when s/he tells you tattoos don't hurt. THEY MOTHEREFFING HURT!!
11. I started cataloging my wardrobe one day, visual pictorials of every article of clothing, footwear, accessory I own so A. I don't buy doubles. B. I know what I have. (Or not have =])
12. I'm secretly a 'Mommy's Girl'. I sleep in her bed when she goes on vacations cause sometimes I miss her so much. I freak out if she doesn't text/email daily when she's away. On the other hand, when she's home..on occasion I don't see her for days because I'm leaving early and coming home late.
13. Periodically, I daydream 'What-If' scenarios and conjure up some imaginary dialogue and loop it through my mind all day. This is also the reason why I answered 'Triceratops was using the washing machine' to the question 'Historically, AI was distinguished from cognitive psychology in what way?' in my psych. class.
14. Have you heard.. MC-Hammer pants aka 'Harem Pants' are the next IT thing on the Fashion front. More like 'must-be-kidding' instead of 'must-have', Vogue!! I wouldn't even touch it with an eight-inch stiletto.
15. I use 2 Rubbermaid totes/1 collapsible basket for groceries. One of my resolutions was to decrease the use of styrofoam and plastic bags. I have not taken any since, and hope it remains that way.
16. There should be a Whole Foods/Capers within my vicinity so I don't have to trek across the city to get my organic mac and cheese fix.
17. As far as I can remember, I loved car rides ever since I was a toddler. I recall my parents driving to Stanley Park every night just so it's easier for me to fall asleep. That's of course when gas was hovering the 30cents mark.
18. Following through #17, I love driving more than the average person would. Every so often I'd sneak out and drive aimlessly throughout the city. The open road is yours, the stillness of the city exudes a halcyon notion. Perhaps at times when your life is beyond your control, driving seems like the one thing you have complete predominance over.
19. I was hardly a good student in highschool. I rarely completed assignments, or rushed through it just to receive a passing mark. Oddly enough, that stopped in post-secondary. I'd still leave it to the last hour, but manage to write 10 page B+ papers in 2 hours. Either my profs are easy markers or I got smarter! The inner-highschool geek finally comes out!
20. I wish I can write half as well as certain people do. Some just have the talent to string together a few sentences quite eloquent and beautifully.
21. Call it OCD, but I never borrow books from the library. I feel icky when I do; its as if I'm touching dirty money. I buy all my books from the store instead.
22. I wouldn't say I'm a safe driver; I tend to speed excessively and drive with a short temper. But the one thing that I obsessively do is exaggerate my shoulder checks, something I'm consistantly made fun of! The Class 5 examiner complimented them and suggested I should be a 'model blindspot checker' for everyone. LOL!
23. Forget Brad Pitt or David Beckham, GEORGE CLOONEY <3333 trumps all of them!
[2nd place Tom Welling, haha]
24. I once gave a man $20 because I didn't have any change on me. I still remember his face light up with hope and gratitude.
25. My perfect dream moment would be me and someone I love dearly sitting in a convertible R8, seared ahi-tuna with miso glaze and a glass of pinot gris, watching planes takeoff and landing on a dark night. I should be a tv show scriptwriter, haha.
'
Monday, February 02, 2009
wish you were here.
We all get at least one good wish a year. Over the candles on our birthday. Some of us throw in more. On eyelashes, fountains, lucky stars, and every now and then, one of those wishes comes true.
So what then? Is it is as good as we'd hoped? Do we bask in the warm glow of our happiness? Or, do we just notice we've got a long list of other wishes waiting to be wished?
We don't wish for the easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious, out of reach. We wish because we need help and we're scared and we know we may be asking too much. We still wish, though, because sometimes they come true.
So what then? Is it is as good as we'd hoped? Do we bask in the warm glow of our happiness? Or, do we just notice we've got a long list of other wishes waiting to be wished?
We don't wish for the easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious, out of reach. We wish because we need help and we're scared and we know we may be asking too much. We still wish, though, because sometimes they come true.
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