let's jump on the vessel and fly through the memories.

best thing about photographs is that they don't change; even if the people in them do.


sitting beside the Boy, stuck in traffic.

He's talking [rambling] about work, usually I'd be into it. Interested and grabbing his every last word because He's living my ideal career.
but this day, I nod, smile and occasionally acknowledge with 'really hun? thats good!'.

Selective listening. it's what I do best.

elsewhere, the mind wanders. i see the happy couple walking hand-in-hand. window-shopping, store after store they'll stop and she'll point out excitedly into the displays. the girl takes in all the pretty shoes and purses and clothes; adding the coveted lares and penates to the ever-growing mental 'things-to-buy' list. He stares at her with adoration; fixated like her gaze into the displays.


the mind resurfaces a photograph. its one of my favorite pictures because I look so content and joyful. it's the one where I can tell you every detail in it because I know that moment so dearly. homemade lanterns dot the background like floating orbs; the shades of fiery orange sunset behind the subjects. the girl with her boyfriend and her bestfriend, two most important people in her life standing on either side. his arm protectively embrace her shoulder, their skin tanned and dark from the summer sun. he might've not been the best-looking, the tallest, the one with the fat wallet or nice car. in fact, it was none of that. however, the first thing you notice is their bright smiles. it's almost as if you can feel the warmth of her smile because its contagious, the tangible happiness.


at that moment, it was the perfect point in her life. the boyfriend that loves her wholeheartedly, the innocent thought of 'forever'. her bestfriend of years at her side. where the thoughts of growing old with the boyfriend and bestfriend was not just wishful thinking, it might be a possibility. summer was in full-swing and graduation was just weeks behind them. life was as awesome as it could be.


when did i start losing? all that joy now seems to be elusive. doubtful thoughts, ones that hover your mind; 'will I ever be as happy as I was in that snapshot of my life?" they float up in the most random moments. while driving, perhaps studying, or even drifting off to slumber.


I want all that back. the lanterns, the simple life. the honesty, the pure naivety.

secondhand serenade; fatalist dawning

some peoples self-esteem is based completely on whether they can make anonymous internet postings or not.


i just poured my heart and soul, the whole verbal diarrhea, typed until my index finger cramped, only to realize i'm too chickenshit to bare it all.instead;

pasted on a different aperture elsewhere on the interweb via an alias.


INSTEAD!!
eve will update with her latest shopaholic finds, current loves and favorite mistakes.

+ the lamb burger at splitz grill with hummous, to. die. for.
+ stella's taphouse on commercial, with a pint of stella artois to enjoy.

+ lime japanese cuisine, again on commercial.

[it pays to have the Boy situated on the drive]

+ i've spent two sundays test-driving cars at automalls. if an entry-level dream car is the accord coupe, my ultimate dream car is the R8.

+ if anyone ever told you grey's anatomy sucks, please pipe them in the gonads! i've caught up to the current season in five days. never have i turned down an offer to hang out just to watch tv! ohh denny duquette, if only all boys can be as charming as you are!

+ johnny cupcakes and i have a mutual friend! another trip to Boston perhaps?

+ i've gone from lusting over the CL550 to

being the co-pilot in a black one.


+ scored a vintage YSL dove grey leather jacket whilst vintage-hunting
+ kanyeezy never fails to put me in awe.



+ i am seriously considering a move to Seattle. the boutiques, craft/art fairs, culture, little chic diners are all a lure.
+ joshua introduced me to pinot gris. i aspire to be a quarter-wine connoisseur one day.
+ my talk-my-way-out-of-a [parking ticket, tow truck, fine] skill has clearly deteriorated. the excessive speeding has finally caught up to me. it would've been $900-something ticket. 104k in a 50k zone, i kinda deserve it.

+ the faja moved to shanghai for business half a year ago. i found a new pair of shoes in my trunk from him. normally, i wouldn't have a problem with it, especially when its from the BOD [bank-of-dad] problem?
A. im kicking myself for not discovering it earlier because i bought the SAME PAIR HALF A YEAR BACK. that's a paycheque i could've spent elsewhere!
B. reality slap of excessive, insane amount of clothing i own.
C. also self-realization that i really need to clean out the car. .. which leads to..

+ my car has become an extension of my wardrobe. at any given time, there are three pairs of shoes [flats, sneaks, AND heels]. two change of clothes [dressy and gym]. and as of last night.. six purses. the only passengers in the front and back seats are my shopping bags which i'm too afraid to bring home in case the maja catches them. OH! theres also a bottle of patron and fruit leather/rice chips too!



+ i have basically lived off the drive and main st for the past month. there are so many hidden gems within each neighbourhood. the vintage boutiques, local designers, indie restaurants, organic supermarkets are all a giant breather from the usual mass-produced generic McLifestyle.

+ burgoo is opening up a new location on main. emmenthal cheese fondue with apple and grapes!
+ check out elroy apparel. local designer with gorgeous sustainable pieces like the calluna bamboo jacket.
+ i finally gave in to the exotic skin trend and picked up a pair of genuine python flats. reptiles are one thing, but fur is a whole different story.
+ i'm having cramps for the first time in six years. it feels like death!! wahwahwah

fetal position with an electric blanket never felt so good.


+ i bought a hamster after learning they're nocturnal. cool! LIKE ME! pookie likes to shit in its food bowl and eat TP. punkass.
+ don't date someone who has 80-hour work weeks, and an immense love for his job = no time for you! boohoo.
+

pookie really shoves entire baby carrots into his mouth.

i don't know if it'll ever be enough.
the Boy is surpasses you by far, but why do sleepless nights float the mind back to you? i've become everything that only months ago, i've only read in fiction. miles away and you still have the ability to make me feel inadequate.



this whole charade of jokingly stating 'i'm a shopaholic' isn't quite funny anymore.
in fact, shopaholic would be an understatement. it's an illness, disorder even. nothing, not even the love of a significant other, gives me the high that purchasing does.

dont go chasing waterfalls

dear ex-lover,

i am glad to say that i can now decide to visit west fourth on a spur-of-a-moment decision without your constant insecure critique, exclaiming how 'the people are just all wannabe green snobby yuppies'. i can now also just drop $50 on organic groceries, just because i feel like it.


i have finally realized, i was just bored of you. you just did the dirty work. thanks hun! do you remember all those times that i said i had to go cuz the manager walked in? sorry sweetheart, i lied. i was just bored of your geeky incoherant ramblings. do you remember the countless times i didn't pick up because i 'fell asleep watching tv'? oh darling, the infomercial had wayy more interesting sentences than you could ever conjure up. i figure i want a guy who's a man. not someone where i have to babysit. 3 years of being your nanny is just that...too long! you're nothing but a kid with your dick to match. Am i ever glad that i will never have to order for your chickenshit ass, or always being the one to ask the waiter for more water. I can come and go as I please, no more having to put up with your momma's boy act and take you home for your curfew instead of spending the night at my place. NO MORE nagging about my driving habits, NO MORE 'don't drive so fast! don't honk that person! don't finger that guy!' NO MORE chauffeuring your SORRY 22yr old ass around because you 'dont want to fall into the social stereotype where the male drives the female around'.


ps. the sex was pathetic.


sincerely never-yours.
portia mcadams.

the good left undone

The days turn to weeks and seasons pass in the blink of an eye. With all the time that passed I think myself got left behind.
I don't want to look at my reflection and not recognize the person staring back at me. But I'm getting scared because with each day gone it feels like there's nothing left of what I used to be.
I couldn't tell you exactly when I just gave up. When I let the apathy get the best of me and I stopped giving a fuck. And now I feel so useless, can't dig myself out of this rut.
Complacency occupies the space that my passions used to take up. I don't want to look at my reflection and not recognize the person staring back at me.
But I'm getting scared because with each day gone it feels like there's nothing left of what I used to be. No, I won't let this get the best of me.
No, I can't let this get the best of me. No, I'm not dead yet. No, I can't turn away when I've still got so much left to say.

new post.

new new new new new!

i suppose .. 21 doesnt really mean much.
my spirits are abit higher recently. ive had the courage to meet new people again, but theres always a nagging thought in the back of my head. get out!


BOSTON! was amazing. i would kill to live in the city. its the perfect mix of arts and culture, and there is just so many interesting oddities about it. tay and i both stayed at the liberty hotel, gorgeous! it had the old time architectural charm of 1930s boston. I had the once-in-lifetime chance to indulge in the in-house spa. i know why they call it a 'spa'.. because its a 'sp-ahhhhh!'

jokes! =D jessie brought me to an upscale neighbourhood, in a loft which held private cosmetic/skincare sales. of course, I had to stock up on my la prairie and la mer creams. ive been hooked since my first slather at age 13. teehee! upon arrival, there was an incredible amount of snow everywhere! ive never seen so much snow in the middle of march, believe me..some piles were taller than most of you! i'm glad we had a driver and a town car with us so we didnt have to face the unknown transit system!

I found the perfect pair of charcoal grey suede sigerson morrison boots, and alas..my absentmindedness ruined them all within an hour of putting them on. seriously, the salt there is like formaldehyde! swiggles of white lines are the perfect result of suede dipping in saltwater. i might just have to dye them black. =(

i wish i spent more time in boston, i'll definately be back soon. theres so much more of the city to take in and so many more experiences!

i finally received my lust-worthy bag: the miu miu vitello lux in grey. made of supple buttery goatskin, its almost as soft as the recent coach leather gloves. its the perfect bag for every occasion thus far. im such a sucker for anything miu miu.


another thing! im really digging OPI's Russian Navy. its the perfect amount of inky blue, but not as dark as black satin. the colour varies depending on light/angle. if i were to do them myself, i'd layer with a black first. delicious!! =D

i can't wait to finish painting my room. i originally allocated time this week to paint, but with exams and vacation in the way i dont have much time anymore! ps. primer sucks!

if weather permits, i will have a stroll down west fourth and check out the gravity pope sale.
ive been eyeing on a pair of marc wellingtons, but $170 does seem pretty ridiculous for made in china plastic. we'll see! =]

tattoo my recollections.

im starting to forget how you and everything else about you feels like.

that made me sob for an hour.

i dont want to forget.
i cant forget.

..


save my memories.
i miss the hip bone.


the best thing about vancouver..
is you.

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

past the etoile.

should i really have to coax nothing but half a heart that comes and goes, but never really stays?
will desperate words from a desperate song do anything but hurt us both?
i'd rather not this time
so give me back what's left of me and i'll settle on my own
you can find what you're looking for
i'll wait here and wait for yesterday
so redraw the maps
we're lost again
or maybe we were never going anywhere
if only we could trace the steps
we'd never find this place again
but they always wash away
you're asking
i'm trying now
but we passed the stars and found there's nothing really there
there never was
so let's go back again... again

underneath it all..

A coma might feel better, than this
attempting to discover where to begin
you're weighed down, you're full of something
a sickness and desertion
you're weighed down, you're full of someting
underneath it all

So say goodbye to love
and hold your head up high
there's no need to rush
we're all just waiting, waiting to die

Hoping a better place is all I need
with moments of innocence and mystery
Oh, it's the little things you miss
when you're underneath it all

All your friends seem like enemies
when you're broken down and empty

dreaming with a broken heart.

i took the polaroid down in my room
im pretty sure you have a new girlfriend
it's not as if i don't like you
it just makes me sad whenever i see it
cuz i like to be gone most of the time
and you like to be home most of the time
if i stay in one place i lose my mind
im a pretty impossible lady to be with

can you take me back to that place where stars glow?
comets swarm like fireflies outside your window.


i cant, but she can.


who knew i'd ever use that response again. .. .

this is the last time, that im ever going to breathe tonight;..

What's the point in holding onto fading memories when they just rot away with time and sour with the years? Time crushes us and nothing gold can stay, whether it's the things we lose or the things we give away. I miss those times. I wish that I would relive those days, but like sand through our fingers they just slip away. The past can be a poison kiss when the mind is free to reminisce. They say "time's tide will smother you" so hold your breath. We can't go back to where we lost ourselves,where our memories are trapped like insects in amber, prisoners of the past. I miss those times. I wish that I could relive those days, but like sand through our fingers they just slip away. I've got to remember not to hold on, just let go, because nothing stays the same. I've got to remind myself: "don't look back" because nothing stays the same. Time marches on with or without us so say goodbye to how things used to be. Those memories are like a sad song I haven't heard in awhile; so familiar yet so bittersweet. Time marches on. Nothing gold can stay. Time marches on with or without us.

single female addicted to retail.

when it all, it all falls down.
who you gonna call now?

man i promise. she's so self-conscious.
she has no idea what she's doing in college.

the prettiest people do the ugliest things.
couldn't afford a car, so she named her daughter Alexis.


i only think of you on two occasions: thats day and night.

happy new year. here's to a new year with new failures and new disappointments.

do you still care?
whatever happened to "we'll hang out for sure in winter break, im just really busy now b/c of school'

i knew it. we can never be friends because you simply do not put the effort in it.
you dont care at all..friends or not.

so why cant you just tell me straight up instead of leading me on, giving me false hope that i can still have a close friend to count on.

all i want is at the end of the day, have you hold me and give me a giant hug. and tell me everything will me okay because you're here with me.

i wonder if it still counts as murder.

the only thing that i wanted you to do, that i told you was very important to me.
you couldnt even do it. your heart is fully with her.

remember when you bought souveniers on our trip? how strongheaded you were when you wanted to give her the present IMMEDIATELY? what happened this time? wheres the nurseyduck? its so hard to accept, but you will never think of me with such attention anymore.
i will always be last-rate.

im scared out of my mind for tomorrow.
i really hope it wont hurt. part of me wanted to tell you everything, but i didnt want you to pity me. nor did i want you to question me and think im lying. thats the last thing i need. i really wish you can hold my hand at the hospital and tell me everythings going to be okay. all i wanted was you to hold my waist and pat my tummy, "hello BB". because, maybe for a nano-second, it feels real. i understand where you're standing from. i understand that its an odd thing to do. i understand that you cant do that because you;re with her. if you werent..would you do it?

im so sorry bb. its a hard thing for me to do too, i really dont want to go through with it. but i simply cant support you. i cant have you at this point in my life. i hope your next life will be better. im so sorry, im so sorry. im so sorry i dont want you. i really wish i could hold you and name you. i remember we had it all planned out. a girl would be alexis, a boy would be ephram or joshua. im soo sorry. i dont want to kill anything. i dont want to be a murderer. this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

please hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay.
please just let me wake up from this nightmare. why does it have to be like this.
i know i wouldnt have kept it anyway, even if we were together. but at least you would be there for me. to comfort me, to soothe me and tell me everything will be alright.


can you take my breath away?
can you give him life today?
is everything gonna be okay?


why cant i just cut you out! it pains me to see you. it hurts when im not the one you're looking forward to seeing. i drove you to see her. my friends are appalled. so many times, they ask.. 'why are you being so nice to him when he hurted you?' and you're not that good of a friend either. you throw around tidbits that sting me. nonchalantly. you dont share alot with me, but when i say 'just a friend or meeting a friend' you demand to know what im doing or who it is. i like how you set double standards. do you think you deserve to know when you hide shit from me?


thats it. after i give everything ive ever owed you, everything that was meant for you... this friendship. this accquaintance. this last-rated friend of yours. this rag-doll. this pity-bank. this charity case is going on hiatus. dont look, i will only disappear further.

merry christmas, i could care less

happy 3 months since you've told me you don't love me anymore.

remember when you asked if i feel bad about listening to bitter lyrics from fall out boy? and how a part of you thinks i dont deserve to sing along to it??

hypocrite.
now, ifs its anybody, its YOU that don't deserve to sing along to fall out boy.
don't you dare believe in what you sing. i hope you feel empty.


Everything that could have went wrong, went wrong this year.
Nothing recently has made me want to stand up and cheer.
Everything you haven't said has finally come back to you.
Now is not the time. Now is not the time.

I know you never liked any gifts I gave to you...
This holiday is overrated.
It turned out the way I expected.
This holiday is one to forget.
Another year, this time I'll regret that I spent too much time and money on you.


this is the first christmas ive ever hated.
thanks for giving me a reason to.
best. gift. ever.

she escapes to forget they were once together.

it hurted me when i told you i needed to cut you out of my life.
it was one of the hardest things to do.

every night on the way to my front doorstep, i look up for the big dipper. some nights, its there.
some nights..its not, and those nights feel longer than usual. those are the nights where i hug toto tighter, listen to our song a few times more, shed a few more tears.

everyone thinks its incredibly stupid that im leaving my own happiness up to you.

you are an addiction. something i cannot resist. you have no idea how good i feel when i speak to you. to hear your voice again, our past couple conversations...it felt like you were mind again. those couple hours were dedicated to me.

is it strange or desperate of me to think there was still something between us when i informed you about the flight tickets to hong kong? i know you still care for me. i know you dont love me the way i want you to anymore. i just want to know if you still love me. you dont even need to be IN love with me. i just want to know. its killing me deep inside.

if talking to you is wrong, why does it feel so right?
i cant talk to you anymore if i want to stop feeling like this. im going to relapse. my curiosity will get the best of me. at the moment of decision, the pleasure of hearing you would probably outweigh the pain. i'll convince myself its worth it. i miss you calling me 'my little dimsum'.

i play loops in my head, everyday. i should've been a better girlfriend. i should've listened. smartened up. if i was, you would never fall out of love with me.

im sorry i didnt do good enough. i tried to be perfect. i looked forward to hongkong all year. some days, i couldnt contain my excitement, my hope to see the look on your face when i tell you about the flight tickets.

i really wanted to show you hongkong. i wanted you to experience it with me. i wanted to show you everything. i wanted you to experience all the sights and sounds and taste. i looked forward to seeing your face light up, taking in everything. most of all, i wanted to explore something entirely new with you. it killed me that i would not be the one to live through that with you. my days are filled with 'should've beens, would've beens, could've beens'

im sorry im not perfect. im so sorry. i would anything for you to give me another chance. i dont care what you did. i just dont care. i love you so.

i miss your laughlines. im sorry i was being bossy in every aspect. im sorry i was so needy. if you gave me another chance, i promise i would change. im willing to change everything. i love you so much.

everyday, i keep telling myself..take it one day at a time. it WILL get better.
close to three months now, ive just been telling myself a lie. ITS NOT GETTING BETTER.
it still hurts as much as before. if not worse.



i will never love anyone as much as i do for you.
i dont care if you dont love me, i just want to be with you.


they say if you really love someone, you'll do anything to make them happy.
even if it means letting the person go, even if that means they're happy with someone else.

i aspire to be the perfect altruistic ex-girlfriend. im glad you're happier with her.
im sorry i cant give you as much happiness. im really really sorry i dissapointed you.

you're the worst actor that i've ever seen
but if this script called for liars, you'd play the lead.


my catharsis is long overdue. when can i stop feeling like an empty shell.
when can i start feeling the hint of happiness?


i never thought that I couldn't get over you.
you're not mine, but i love you anyway.

better off? how.. can it be.

This place is so empty,
My thoughts are so tempting,
I don’t know how it got so bad.
Sometimes it’s so crazy,
that nothing could save me,
But it’s the only thing that I have.


i hope the scarlet letter burns right through your chest.

drive yourself home,
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
and again when your head goes through the windshield.



get over him. ive seen more spine in jellyfish.