do you still care?
whatever happened to "we'll hang out for sure in winter break, im just really busy now b/c of school'

i knew it. we can never be friends because you simply do not put the effort in it.
you dont care at all..friends or not.

so why cant you just tell me straight up instead of leading me on, giving me false hope that i can still have a close friend to count on.

all i want is at the end of the day, have you hold me and give me a giant hug. and tell me everything will me okay because you're here with me.

i wonder if it still counts as murder.

the only thing that i wanted you to do, that i told you was very important to me.
you couldnt even do it. your heart is fully with her.

remember when you bought souveniers on our trip? how strongheaded you were when you wanted to give her the present IMMEDIATELY? what happened this time? wheres the nurseyduck? its so hard to accept, but you will never think of me with such attention anymore.
i will always be last-rate.

im scared out of my mind for tomorrow.
i really hope it wont hurt. part of me wanted to tell you everything, but i didnt want you to pity me. nor did i want you to question me and think im lying. thats the last thing i need. i really wish you can hold my hand at the hospital and tell me everythings going to be okay. all i wanted was you to hold my waist and pat my tummy, "hello BB". because, maybe for a nano-second, it feels real. i understand where you're standing from. i understand that its an odd thing to do. i understand that you cant do that because you;re with her. if you werent..would you do it?

im so sorry bb. its a hard thing for me to do too, i really dont want to go through with it. but i simply cant support you. i cant have you at this point in my life. i hope your next life will be better. im so sorry, im so sorry. im so sorry i dont want you. i really wish i could hold you and name you. i remember we had it all planned out. a girl would be alexis, a boy would be ephram or joshua. im soo sorry. i dont want to kill anything. i dont want to be a murderer. this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

please hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay.
please just let me wake up from this nightmare. why does it have to be like this.
i know i wouldnt have kept it anyway, even if we were together. but at least you would be there for me. to comfort me, to soothe me and tell me everything will be alright.


can you take my breath away?
can you give him life today?
is everything gonna be okay?


why cant i just cut you out! it pains me to see you. it hurts when im not the one you're looking forward to seeing. i drove you to see her. my friends are appalled. so many times, they ask.. 'why are you being so nice to him when he hurted you?' and you're not that good of a friend either. you throw around tidbits that sting me. nonchalantly. you dont share alot with me, but when i say 'just a friend or meeting a friend' you demand to know what im doing or who it is. i like how you set double standards. do you think you deserve to know when you hide shit from me?


thats it. after i give everything ive ever owed you, everything that was meant for you... this friendship. this accquaintance. this last-rated friend of yours. this rag-doll. this pity-bank. this charity case is going on hiatus. dont look, i will only disappear further.

merry christmas, i could care less

happy 3 months since you've told me you don't love me anymore.

remember when you asked if i feel bad about listening to bitter lyrics from fall out boy? and how a part of you thinks i dont deserve to sing along to it??

hypocrite.
now, ifs its anybody, its YOU that don't deserve to sing along to fall out boy.
don't you dare believe in what you sing. i hope you feel empty.


Everything that could have went wrong, went wrong this year.
Nothing recently has made me want to stand up and cheer.
Everything you haven't said has finally come back to you.
Now is not the time. Now is not the time.

I know you never liked any gifts I gave to you...
This holiday is overrated.
It turned out the way I expected.
This holiday is one to forget.
Another year, this time I'll regret that I spent too much time and money on you.


this is the first christmas ive ever hated.
thanks for giving me a reason to.
best. gift. ever.

she escapes to forget they were once together.

it hurted me when i told you i needed to cut you out of my life.
it was one of the hardest things to do.

every night on the way to my front doorstep, i look up for the big dipper. some nights, its there.
some nights..its not, and those nights feel longer than usual. those are the nights where i hug toto tighter, listen to our song a few times more, shed a few more tears.

everyone thinks its incredibly stupid that im leaving my own happiness up to you.

you are an addiction. something i cannot resist. you have no idea how good i feel when i speak to you. to hear your voice again, our past couple conversations...it felt like you were mind again. those couple hours were dedicated to me.

is it strange or desperate of me to think there was still something between us when i informed you about the flight tickets to hong kong? i know you still care for me. i know you dont love me the way i want you to anymore. i just want to know if you still love me. you dont even need to be IN love with me. i just want to know. its killing me deep inside.

if talking to you is wrong, why does it feel so right?
i cant talk to you anymore if i want to stop feeling like this. im going to relapse. my curiosity will get the best of me. at the moment of decision, the pleasure of hearing you would probably outweigh the pain. i'll convince myself its worth it. i miss you calling me 'my little dimsum'.

i play loops in my head, everyday. i should've been a better girlfriend. i should've listened. smartened up. if i was, you would never fall out of love with me.

im sorry i didnt do good enough. i tried to be perfect. i looked forward to hongkong all year. some days, i couldnt contain my excitement, my hope to see the look on your face when i tell you about the flight tickets.

i really wanted to show you hongkong. i wanted you to experience it with me. i wanted to show you everything. i wanted you to experience all the sights and sounds and taste. i looked forward to seeing your face light up, taking in everything. most of all, i wanted to explore something entirely new with you. it killed me that i would not be the one to live through that with you. my days are filled with 'should've beens, would've beens, could've beens'

im sorry im not perfect. im so sorry. i would anything for you to give me another chance. i dont care what you did. i just dont care. i love you so.

i miss your laughlines. im sorry i was being bossy in every aspect. im sorry i was so needy. if you gave me another chance, i promise i would change. im willing to change everything. i love you so much.

everyday, i keep telling myself..take it one day at a time. it WILL get better.
close to three months now, ive just been telling myself a lie. ITS NOT GETTING BETTER.
it still hurts as much as before. if not worse.



i will never love anyone as much as i do for you.
i dont care if you dont love me, i just want to be with you.


they say if you really love someone, you'll do anything to make them happy.
even if it means letting the person go, even if that means they're happy with someone else.

i aspire to be the perfect altruistic ex-girlfriend. im glad you're happier with her.
im sorry i cant give you as much happiness. im really really sorry i dissapointed you.

you're the worst actor that i've ever seen
but if this script called for liars, you'd play the lead.


my catharsis is long overdue. when can i stop feeling like an empty shell.
when can i start feeling the hint of happiness?


i never thought that I couldn't get over you.
you're not mine, but i love you anyway.

better off? how.. can it be.

This place is so empty,
My thoughts are so tempting,
I don’t know how it got so bad.
Sometimes it’s so crazy,
that nothing could save me,
But it’s the only thing that I have.


i hope the scarlet letter burns right through your chest.

drive yourself home,
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
and again when your head goes through the windshield.



get over him. ive seen more spine in jellyfish.

where is the good, in goodbye?

its been two months, four days, eight hours since we've parted.

i still miss you more than ever.
not a day goes by without me thinking about you. i know i should be over you, but thats not the case. i never thought i can love someone this much. im willing to forgive all faults, please come back. the sight of you with another girl just breaks my heart. it feels like you're subconsciously tugging at my heartstrings. i just wish i can forget about you and wake up, pretending there was nothing between us. but i cant. i dont have the heart to.
i dont have the heart to hate you for what you did, i know i should. im stupid. im crazy for you.

i can still feel your hand holding mine. i remember i used to warm up yours whenever you're cold. i was your personal 'heater'. do you miss me? do i ever cross your mind? i hope you still love me, i dont want to lose you.

i know if i really loved you, then i'd want you to be happy, even if that means you're not with me. ive tried so hard to let you go, but i miss you so much. i never thought id say this but i stare at my phone hoping you'd call so i can just hear you voice. i miss you holding me and caressing my back. i cant get over this. i feel stupid, incredibly dumb for hanging onto you. im so selfish, i cant bare the thought of knowing your heart isnt mine anymore. drove around furiously following you, just so i can catch a glimpse of you. but its the wrong person. im going crazy, i dont know what im doing anymore.

i will never find a guy who treated me as good as you did. i know for sure you will become a great dad and an awesome husband. i hope that maybe fate will bring us back together again and i can be by your side when the time comes for you to settle.



i miss being happy.

which one is harder: hardship or the heart?

this is where i say ive had enough
and no one should ever feel the way that i feel now.
a walking open wound,
a trophy display of bruises
and i don't believe that i'm getting any better, any better.

its the modern times. i suppose everyone has the right to choose who they want to be with.
being in love doesnt mean tying a person down. if its meant to be, then leave it up to fate.
its like coming down with the flu, you try to prevent it..but you cant help but get sick. its horrible, but you'll recover. and recovery takes time.

what matters in life isnt always money. although money can help buy happiness, it is not the key ingredient. whats money when you dont have family, love, friends? you are just as poor.

wear me like a locket around your throat.

stop making me feel bad.
i get so riled up and upset whenever i speak to you.
i dont mean to be bitter, but how can you take in everything that hurts and pretend to have a smile on your face? im tired of pretending.

dont bring up days where its special to be in a relationship. dont tell me she's planning NYE this year. i dont care. i dont care. your style did change, how would i know what to get you. how does that compare to the RRs that she's going to buy you? i will always be in a competition with her. i dont want to be. i want to win. stop asking what i did with all your things. i dont want to talk about it. i keep mitten killer, toto and number one out because im still in love with you. hugging them makes me feel safe. i cant be in your arms anymore, the least i can do is have them in my arms. 'why didnt you pack them away?' what did you want me to say? because i still love you alot and i cannot let you go? is that what you want to hear? how can i even say it? why do you keep the big dipper on the ceiling? i just cant compare. i wish i can be altruistic about this situation. i wish i have someone to hang out with on a lonely saturday night. why else havent i touched the wii since we've last played it?

stop making me feel horrible. just stop..

if we're going to be friends, treat me like a friend.

im not your girlfriend anymore.
so treat me with your last bit of respect.
not a ragdoll. not a standby.

now fuckoff and get on with your life.

_-_--_--_--__-_--___--_-_-_______-__-_-_---_


im the best that you'll never have.
forever the one in your dreams. dont forget to wake up sweetheart.
your neck was never the canvas for my lips.
i hope you dwindle down the sordid alleyway, grasping your conniving mate glued at the hips.

you will regret this.
a romance thesis isnt comparable. so dont;

i need some sleep

i thought i was getting better.
i cried for the first time in a month. i cried myself to sleep.

i forced myself to stop crying, but the taste of saline just encourages more tears.
it hurts, and im letting myself succumb to it. it feels like a heavy heart, breaking within the chest. its almost as if i cant breathe at times. suffocating.

i need to stop feeling like this.
i reread all our old emails. you loved me. i loved you, i still do.
you told me i was your safety net, that i would be able to catch you if you fall.

then what about me? where is my safety net? you promised you would catch me when im down. im here alone picking up all the pieces of my broken heart. a futile attempt to piece things back together. you promised. you said you would love me forever and ever. what happened to forever? is it just gone with the wind, just like the 'truths' you told me?

'i need some sleep, i cant go on like this. i try counting sheep, but theres one i always miss.
you just gotta let it go'


can you love me the way you did? i miss your love for me. do you still think about me? always? do you think about me as much as i do for you? because i think about you all the time. throughout the day, sometimes its as if i cannot concentrate on anything. i hate how i cant control this. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you. you told me i was the best girl you've ever met, does it still compare? have you removed me out of your heart entirely? i hope im one of the best girls you'll ever meet. i hope one day we can be together again. and when that day arrives, i know we will spend the rest of our lives together. i know i will change for the better, and i will make you proud. reading back on your emails, im so glad i found you. i forgot how much ive given you, hope, confidence and everything else. i hope that never really diminished.

i hope that in your eyes, i'll still be perfect. and you wont look at me any less.
i hope i was a terrific girlfriend at one point in our relationship. i know we'll meet again one day. i just wish you would give me another chance. i know i can do better.

i just cant stand to hate you. i know i shouldnt even be talking to you. everyone tells me talking to you will prolong the pain. but i cant stand not talking to you. i should hate you, but i love you so much that i cant bear to mark you with anything. you have no idea how alone i feel. im struggling in school but no one is able to help me. i cant let them know about this. it feels as if you are the only one that knows my secret. whats worse is that, the person that i put such high regard to. the person who i trust most..ends up failing. you end up betraying my trust. i dont know if i can ever trust anyone again, let alone you. it was the greatest disappoint of my life. i dont know what to say. i want to hate you for what you did. it hurted alot. i dont go through a single day without thinking about you. what you are doing. what you are doing with her. i cant stand the fact that she is better than i am, even though when we were together..i asked you numerous times..what does she have that i didnt have? and numerous times, i got the answer..'you have everything i want'.

how can you bear to lie to me? i wonder if you ever feel bad for doing such a thing to a person you've spent three long years with. but i suppose you can do such actions to someone you don't really love anymore.

it hurts because im not your number one anymore. and we can never be as close. i cannot run into your arms when im in fear, or when i have a bad day. i cant call you anymore and hear your voice, knowing thats all it takes to calm my fears.

can you come back? its cold and lonely here.
im going crazy just thinking about you baby.

yousuckyoufuckingjerkoff.

so I'll leave you to enjoy the days you spend without me. so wish in your hand, and I'll shit in mine; and I bet you mine fills up first. words seem to roll right off your tongue. you articulate in perfect sentences & make a masterpiece of ending my life. so clever with your let downs as you fill the air with lies//

i wish i didnt love you as much.

hopeless

happy birthday A.

everytime where theres a birthday, you'd save me a piece of cake and we would share it together.
it hurts me to know that you're sharing and creating new memories with another person, and no longer with me.

im tired. im really tired, mentally, physically, emotionally. i dont want to deal with this anymore. i dont want to sulk over you and mourn over my loss when you're out there living your life. but every little thing reminds me of you. i dig out all the redemptions to listen again, reliving the past.

i miss our walks. i miss our talks. i miss the way you kiss me. the way your face crinkles with those cute laugh lines. i miss the way you comfort me when i cry. i miss the time you assured it was okay, when i was crying, to wipe my snot across your sleeve. at that moment, im thinking "wow, thats love". i miss being cute with you. i miss standing in the kitchen, your arms around my waist while im cooking, and you saying "hello BB". i miss the way you made number 1 bear 'alive'. i miss your laugh. i miss your taste in music. i miss receiving redemptions. i miss exploring the city with you. i miss lying in bed all day with you, sans clothes. i miss the time we went downtown to launch fireworks. we almost blew off your hand. i love you. i love you. i love you.i love you. im sorry i didnt get to say it enough. i love you so much. no tears can ever bring you back and i hate you. i hate myself for it. i hate how im not the best candidate for being your girlfriend, for being your wife. i hate how i didnt appreciate you enough. i hate how i put my friends before you. i love you. i miss talking about toto, and wishing we owned a real dog named toto. i miss steveston. we never got to eat the fish and chips there. i wish we could've gone back to dix one last time. i miss walking through downtown at night. wandering aimlessly. i miss the times you've cleaned up for me, how cute you were. i miss the time you dropped the eggs. im sorry i blew the fight(s) out of proportion. you were the first person i loved fully. i will never forget you. please never, ever, forget about me. i miss making out with you. i miss the way you taste, i miss being intimate with you. i love you i love you i love you. i miss the emails you used to send me whilst i was in school. i remember the excitement of checking my email on my bathroom breaks, sneaking out to the career centre to check. i miss telling you funny stories about little A and bio-stealer. i love you. i wish i was smarter and beautiful and be perfect for you. im sorry i wasnt. i miss going to bubbletea and ordering rose milk tea with grassjelly. i miss browsing online with you. i miss everything about you. i miss you. i remember the time you took out all your toys and showed me everything. you were like a little kid. adorable. i love you.
thank you for looking past my flaws and loving me with your all at one point. thank you for choosing me out of everyone to be your first girlfriend. i am always anticipating your call on saturday mornings at work, knowing you will never ever call me again. i miss being the girlfriend that gets to ride in her boyfriend's car in richmond. i was hurt when you took down the big dipper. its probably taken down and im hurt just thinking about it. i hope i still cross your mind. i hope you still love me. i miss coming to your home and watch the OC on your couch. curling up beside you. i love you. i love you. i love you. 9.15. i cant live without your love, without you.

i am still waiting for the lego notebook house.

drenched in my memories.

its hard adjusting to all this idle time.

she could be wearing my hoodie. one of my hoodies that i spent time picking out for him.

i cant help but think what they're both doing.
ive grown to realize, nothing is ever really 'yours'.
but when im lying around, and have time to ponder..i wish to lie in his arms. cuddling.
i miss the feeling of being cherished and loved.


cmon you, everyone goes through heartbreak sooner or later.
aren't you glad its over now, than when both of you are married?


i thought he was the one. i wonder how many times have women said that to themselves.
why are we so easily blinded by love? why is it a difficult task to take a giant step back and look at the whole picture. most importantly, why is hindsight perfect visioned?

i wish i had the courage and strength to say im better off without him, but im doubting myself. without him by my side, the path down the road is pitch-black and frightening. its overwhelming when you're living life without someone to hold your and and support you. i feel so lost in this world, its like im emotionally dead.

i dont think i can love another as much as i loved him. i may have not cherished it as much i should or could have, and probably taken him for granted for a long while. i guess it always takes something huge to make people realize they should be happy for what they have.


i dont know if i should be angry with him for ripping my heart out and smashing it into pieces.
there are tons of things i can be angry about but it all boils down to this: even if im angry, would he know? does it change how he feels about me? --- he's still happy with her, and he's made his choice. nothing will change even if i rip the house apart.